As Long as I live, I will never forget…..

The photos have all been stored away….There are none sitting out to remind me of those I miss so much.

But the memories won’t go away.

There’s a big hole in my heart where they used to be.  It aches every day. Only they can fill it. And make the ache go away…..but every day without them, it hurts more…..

Sometimes, late at night, while I’m watching T.V. or playing on the computer they creep in….and my eyes start to “leak”….

I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them.

They don’t call, or write, or text….so I don’t know how often they think of me. Or if they ever think about me.

Sometimes the sadness overtakes me and no matter what I do I can’t find any happiness to cheer me up.

I will never forget the days they were all born.  The birthdays, the trips, the school events…..the sporting events….The days we spent together laughing and playing.

The times we went canoeing, or horseback riding…..the trips to the beach…or the zoo…..the vacations we spent together….the fairs and the fireworks…..

The weekends we spent just watching movies together….

Now already, I have missed all of their birthdays….not just once, but twice.  I have missed 2 graduations, missed holidays and more will be coming up soon.  I won’t be there to see them open presents.

I can only try to dream of seeing them.

Every day  brings more tears and more lost moments.

I will never forget them……

It is said you must learn to forgive and forget.  That unless you forget, you can not truly forgive.

I will never forgive those who have come between us.

I try to forget…..but they are as much a part of me as the blood that runs through my veins, and the tears that run down my cheeks.

I will never forget…….

And I hope someday they will find a way back to me…..and that every day they remember how much I love them and miss them.

 

Broke…..but Excited!

I can’t wait until Monday…..

I have paid off most of my new camera and will finish paying it off on the first…..Just in time to catch the last few regular season football games and it time for the County Fair in 2 weeks.

This is the Canon T3i. It is an 18mm camera (up from the 14mm I currently shoot with).  It has an ISO level to 6400 expandable to 12800, does HD video and shoots 3.7 frames per second.  Best thing is the lenses I have now will fit it, as will the memory cards.

It has left me almost broke, but it’s something worthwhile that I really want. Later I’ll send my other camera in for repairs.

Next up, I’m going to order some thing little by little to add to my photography equipment…I just ordered 2 additional batteries for the camera from Amazon and will order other things, like Macro lenses and extension tubes, maybe a battery pack grip, etc.  I will need another camera bag, maybe I’ll go for the backpack type, or the roll around where I can include both cameras and my laptop….I’ll have to check out what’s available.  I’ll need a lens hood, filters, a “Hot Shoe” flash, and a light diffuser; most of what I can get at Wal-Mart or a local photo store.

By the time I start school in January, I should have most of what  I need. But that’s another story.  I was going to take my application down to the college today to enroll, but due to the state of my checking account now, I’ll have to wait until next pay day.  No big rush as I have to wait until October 5th for my 6 months at Wal-Mart to be eligible for their Scholarship program, and until November 1st to actually apply for the scholarship. Plenty of time before the November 29th orientation day.

So in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy using my new camera and developing a “portfolio” if you will….Fall is here, there are fairs, the Pumpkin Festival in Circleville.  Before long, winter will be here with it’s frosty coverings.

I love the fair! The food, the animals, the tractor pulls and demolition derby. And this year, I paid the extra money and bought a track side seat to the concert!

THE OAK RIDGE BOYS!!!!

I can’t wait. I’ve seen these guys in concert before but it’s been over 35 years.  I’m anxious to hear what they play and sing.

I’m trying everything I can to keep from letting the depression of the holidays take over.  I’m sure it’s going to be a long hard battle.  I can not let myself think about the loss of my grandchildren in my life…maybe someday things will change, but for now I shed daily tears over the lack of contact with them….

But for no I struggle on….waiting for the good times and living day to day..

Hugs and Love to all!

I’m so Lost………….

I don’t know what to do anymore…….

Up until May of 2010, I had everything I ever wanted.  Four children who talked to me, 7 grandchildren who talked to me and this was my entire life…..

Now 2 of my children no longer talk to me and I go weeks without hearing from my grandchildren.  The only time I do hear from them is payday when they want money for something.

I haven’t seen photos of any of my grandchildren except for ones posted on Facebook.

I’m lost. 

I don’t get anything from any of them…..no calls, no messages, no photos, no cards or letters……

What do I do?

All I do anymore is cry, or try to keep from crying.

I was running errands, shopping and such, for the elderly lady across the street.  I would cut her grass and she’d pay me for that and give me money for doing her shopping or picking up pizza for her.  I didn’t do it for the money or expect anything in return….I enjoyed talking to her daily.  Monday she went to the doctors and was admitted to the hospital, and then transferred to a nursing home.  Another neighbor has told me that she may have to sell her home and live in the nursing home for the rest of her life, as she may no longer be able to live alone…So that outlet is also now gone.

I throw myself into work. I just go day to day….hoping something changes for the better….

Nothing has.

I used to be able to take my camera to a football game or a festival and take photos. This would take my mind off my family.  For a few hours I wouldn’t think about how lonely I am.

Now my camera has even let me down. It quit recognizing memory cards.  The only fix is to send it back to the manufacturer, 500 miles away, at an estimated cost of $205 to fix it….plus the cost of wrapping, shipping and insuring it…Or to buy a new camera. I have put one on lay-away…and hope to get it out by October 1st.

I checked into going to college.  I have never been to an actual college. I went to a trade/technical school for Automotive Mechanics in 1988…This is a local college my daughter went to.  It’s a 2 year Associates Degree in Arts and Science for Photography….My main concern was paying for college.  It’s $6500 a year.  So today I applied for financial aid just to see what I could get…..and it turns out, I can get a $9500 loan (with a 10 year pay-off) and a $3900 grant I wouldn’t have to pay back.  My employer has a scholarship program that if I apply for and get would pay up to $4,000 a year.

I still have to apply for college, and in October I can apply for the scholarship.  School would start in January.

Am I asking too much from the people I love, and thought loved me??  A phone call, a photo or a letter? is that really too much to ask for?

Why must I cry myself to sleep wondering if I will ever hear their voice, see their face, or share time with them again?

Or should I just try to forget?

Forget I had 2 older children….

Forget I had 7 grandchildren…..

Forget anyone ever loved me and I ever loved anyone else…..

I’m Lost…..

What do I do?

I’m so tired of crying….

Hugs and Love to all

Did someone say Football?

Last Monday was the first day of youth football. The team is smaller this year….only 24 players considering we usually have 30+ every other year…..and smaller in that we have a younger team with our 9 newly drafted players.

On Tuesday, the head coach asked me if I was okay with being the “Team Grandma”….(instead of the Team Mom)…..which I gladly excepted.  I was introduced to the parents that way at the Wednesday parent Meeting….

I went home and set up 2 things; a drink/snack list and a Team Brochure….with the names of the players and the coaches….

On Thursday, the players got their helmets and pads….and chose their numbers….I still need to get the numbers for 3 players who weren’t there on Thursday…..

The boys found out that if they wore their Jerseys to the Semi Pro League game on Saturday the 11th, they would be on the sidelines with them… Now I have to work at 6 that day, but you can bet I will be there for at least an hour and a half…..and hope my car gets me to work on time without breaking down….It has developed a sever knock that sounds like an axle I going bad.

The Semi-Pro team practices at our park on Mondays and Thursdays, so I watched them for over an hour…..

And Oh yeah, I took pictures……

Hugs and Love to All!

 

next you’ll be seeing more of the youth team….and maybe even some more of the “Lancaster Sabers”

In the Beginning…..a woman’s version

Caution: The following blog is the opinion of the writer and owner of this blog site.  It reflects my views and no one else's. Please comment if you feel, but understand that this is only my opinion….and you won’t change my mind!

Our bible tells us; “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.”

He looked down on his beautiful creation and decided it something else…..it needed some animals to enjoy the land, the waters and the gardens….So he created these….

Soon he looked down and realized it may not be such a good idea to allow these beautiful animals to roam alone and care for themselves….They only ate parts of some foods, left parts laying all over and then began leaving there “waste” all over the land….Soon the smell would overtake the beautiful fragrances of the flowers….They needed someone to clean up after them…..So God, in his infinite wisdom, created man and called him Adam…..

Now Adam’s job was simple.  He had everything he needed to make him comfortable.  All he had to do was keep it clean….But Adam watched the animals eating and leaving everything all over for him to clean up and decided “Why should I clean up when all they do is mess it up?”

God looked down on Adam and watched as he began to do as the animals did….Before long, there were banana peels thrown about and the beautiful gardens began to look like a pig sty.

Adam watched as the animals pro-created and not having someone of his own, he chased down whatever animal he could catch and practiced on them…..

God Looked down and decided that just wasn’t right….Here he had put these beautiful animals in this beautiful environment and here Adam was abusing them…..

So God in his infinite, although somehow now tarnished wisdom, created Woman….which he called Eve….

Now Adam had someone to look after him and clean up after him.  They could run around naked all day and Adam could chase Eve and take her anywhere in the garden he could catch her.

But Eve grew tired of this game….Not only did she have to clean up after Adam and all the animals, but she had to feed him and take care of him in other ways….

One day after a long, hard day of Adam climbing all over her and cleaning, Adam said to her “What’s for dinner?”….Well that was the straw that broke Eve’s back….She told Adam in a not so soft and tender voice “You mean to tell me with that whole garden out there, you can’t find anything to eat?”  And with that, Adam grabbed the first thing he could find…an apple…..and took a big bite.

That was the end of running around naked and having everything you could possibly want or need….From then on, man and woman were made to wear clothes and work for a living….

Now I know that’s not what the bible tell us….But my theory is the bible has flaws because it was written by a man….And as a woman we all know most men will never admit to doing anything wrong….

I know God exists….Look at a delicate orchid, a sea horse or a tall oak tree….That’s all it takes to know there must be a greater being.  I know he is a kind, gentle person…..He gave doctors the skills and the calm, steady hands to correct the imperfections of a baby’s cleft lip, cleft palate or damaged heart….

Now some may argue that if there is a God, why is there famine, floods, poverty, starvation and pollution?  Because once, God gave man something beautiful and the ability to make his own decisions and MAN chose to do the wrong things….

I also believe in heaven…..Why??? Because I believe a God who created so many things would also create a place where one could go and be happy once there life was over.  I don’t believe that such a God would condemn us to to “Burn in Hell” after suffering so much on earth….and what about the babies who never get the chance to live here on earth?  Should they be made to suffer after they have never lived, or lived short lives?….

I also know that there are many religions, with different beliefs, and different names for their Gods…..and I respect their rights in their beliefs…I don’t believe that they will “Burn in Hell” because they don’t believe in “My” God.

Now I know I’ve left you scratching your heads and wondering where all this is coming from….The answer is simple……I live with 3 men….I work more hours per week than any of them…..and still, I am the only one who gets up every morning, cares for the animals, washes the dishes, cleans the house , takes out the trash, pays the bills, cooks the meals and care for the yard and garden…..

Really…..with everything I do here, I have to believe my reward will come one day.

Hugs and love to all!

IT’S FOOTBALL TIME!!

It’s Here! It’s Here! It’s Here!

 

These are images from the second day of football conditioning for the 2012 Football season.  Conditioning is when new players come out and show off what they have during the drills so the coaches can make their draft choices…This year, the field was mostly third graders who will be eligible to play for 4 years….

No, none of the children you will see in this year’s posts will be related to me, although I did hear there is a set of “Disbennett” brothers….(distant cousins maybe?)

Due to my work schedule, I couldn’t attend the first day of conditioning, but I did make it to the second day….

Miller “Mayhem” coaches going over their picks.

the draft

I also went to the Draft….held today….This year will be interesting as each team will have about 23 players…(some have 24)….Now if you add up the 11 players needed for offense, and 11 players for defense; this only leaves 1 extra player…so I’m sure there will be some players playing both offense and defense.

The Miller Park Vikings have become the Miller Park Mayhem….the colors have gone from Purple and Gold to Black, Royal Blue and white. The Viking is gone….the new symbol is:

 

We have one new coach; Beau Rathburn…..and we have lost at least one coach, Bill Moore.

Thanks to Wal*Mart, I will be able to attend all Saturday games during the summer.  My store manager approved my temporary change of availability.  I may miss some of the week day games and some of the practices; but I will also be able to earn the team a $250 donation from Wal*mart for volunteering only 25 hours of my time…..which I will thoroughly enjoy.

 

But I wish it was me sitting on the sidelines watching my grandsons play again…I miss them so much…and I missed a whole season of cheering my youngest grandson on…. 

I will be thinking of him as I watch every game……………..

Hugs and love to all!

Where do I begin??

Wow! So much has happened this month; where do I begin?

Well, to begin with, I am now using my very own, brand new laptop to write these blogs….which means I can sit in my recently air-conditioned bedroom in the comfort of my very own bed to write them!.

Which is kind of where things started……

Turn the dial on the time machine back to June 29th…..

The last time I had air-conditioning was in the 2 story home I lived in back in 2007….Something snapped this year and we started getting unusually high heat early in the season….It’s like we skipped spring and went straight into the hot, humidity of mid summer….What the heck.  I’m working now so why should I lay upstairs in bed sweating?

Target came to my rescue….they had a room size air conditioner for $96….Well, once I had my checking account for over 2 months, I applied for and received a Target Red Debit card….unlike their Red Visa card, the charges are directly withdrawn from my checking account; and I receive a 5% discount on anything I buy…..Since my husband works for Target, I get an extra 10% team member discount…..so before I went to work that Friday, I bought my “cool air” for around $88…..I carried the relief out and had it in my car at work that day when a severe Thunderstorm ripped through our state.

Around 5:30 p.m, the lights in Wal*mart begin to flicker….and all the cashiers and managers knew it wouldn’t be long before the power went out….Furiously we tried to ring up as many customers as we could to get them out of the store before the storm hit…Then all hell broke loose…..the power shut off!  We had 30 minutes of back-up power to continue running registers….we worked in the dark as fast as we could….Very few customers left without what they came for, but some did get stuck with cart loads of things they couldn’t pay for. 

Outside, the storm showed it’s fury.  We had a large tent in the parking lot full of clearance items.  A heavy flower cart went air borne and hit a manager in the head.  The tent ripped, the poles bent and collapsed and merchandise dotted the parking lot.  Potted plants became missiles.  Mulch from around the trees relocated to the sides of the building and the sidewalks.

Inside, all available staff started cover all the open coolers and meat cases with tarps, plastic sheeting and duct tape to preserve any cold air and keep meats, cheeses and vegetables cold.  Then we went to work putting away the 25-30 cartloads of merchandise that did not make it through the checkout lines…..Within the hour, the power came back on an business went back to normal….at least in Wal*Mart……

Outside, the storm ravaged the entire state….over 1 million people lost power….thousands of trees were uprooted or snapped off

 

……cars and homes looked like they had been through a tornado….amazingly, no one was killed in our area. But the worst was yet to come…..Some people would get there power back within hours….but most had no power for days….some even went 7-9 days with no power. My new air-conditioner would sit unopened in my living room for 4 days, and even after I braved going upstairs in the dark in 100 degree heat to put it in the window, it would remain unused for another 3 days before it would feel the electricity course through it’s wiring.

The Fairgrounds became a “camp city” for electric power workers, trucks and Tree trimmers….Portable showers and semis full of bunk beds 3 high along the walls were brought in. The trucks went out early every day and came back late every night…

.

.Slowly lights came on a few houses at a time….sometimes only 3 or 4 per street…Trees were removed from streets, houses, cars and sidewalks and became mulch.

Ice, coolers, batteries, camp lights and oil lanterns were flying off the shelf faster than trucks could deliver them.  Charcoal, lighter fluid, grills and bottled water were snapped up by the cart loads.  The hum of gas operated generators  were the only sound in the night….the only exception was when the sun went down and people came out of their houses to enjoy the cooler (90 degree) temperatures.

The break for everyone was the July 4th parade and Fireworks.  Everyone lined the streets to watch children collect candy, cold bottled ice water and freeze pops.  The churches turned on hoses to keep those in the parade cool along the routes….

Then everyone flocked to the fairgrounds to eat Fair food, ride rides, play games and wait for the fireworks.

my power was out for 7 days….the people across the street were out for 9 days, as were some of the people on the same side of my street just a few houses down….It’s been 21 days and all over the city some trees still remain on houses or on the ground in yards.

Life is slowly getting back to normal.  People flocked to local agencies for disaster relief…..Families with children and the elderly (over 60) received food vouchers to replace what was lost in their refrigerators and freezers….but it was a drop in the bucket for most.

The storm wasn’t the only news….

I became a “full fledged” Wal*Mart employee on June third after 90 days with the company….The manager has given me extra hours for the past 3 weeks putting me at almost 4 straight weeks of over 38 hours each…

Throw in a baby shower for a niece, a car wreck that killed a third cousin and her unborn child and left the husband in a coma, battered and bruised, unable to bear his own weight for the next 3 months to grieve and try to rebuild his body and his soul…..the death of my husband’s only remaining uncle….and his brother who was diagnosed with skin cancer….My son lost his best friend because of rumors and lies…..another son moved from New Mexico to North Carolina where he now has 2 of his 3 children with him after years of trying to get them….My oldest grandson got a job in Florida, My oldest Grand-daughter, now speaks to me and she got a job in North Carolina because I was able to send her a copy of her birth certificate that her mother wouldn’t give her, and my youngest grand-daughter is now a licensed driver and a High School Graduate..

And football is just around the corner…..I went to the first sign ups,

and I will go to the second day of Conditioning next Tuesday….then it’s practices until August 25th when the first games are held….My store manager has already approved my amended availability to allow me to attend most of the Saturday games before 5 p.m….and told me that when I volunteer for 25 hours a quarter, I can get a $250 donation from Wal*Mart to the team/league.

I have my new spirit wear, and will probably buy more.

The good with the bad…..I will buy the things I’ve always wanted, even if it means putting things on layaway for a couple of months….

I love my job, the hours, the pay, the managers and the people I work with.

But most of all, I love my family and all of my friends, like you….that read my blogs, leave comments, pick me up when I’m depressed, make me laugh, cry with me and laugh with me.

Hugs and Love to all of you!