Sunday, June 19, 2011

Just go to bed

9780307119407_FULL
Years ago, when my middle son was learning to read, we bought ALOT of books.  This was one of them.  We would go to the store twice a month on paydays and stop by the book section to buy him 1 or 2 books to read.  Usually he had them read before we even reached the cashier.  But I didn’t mind.  I still have those books packed away somewhere. My Grandchildren even pulled them out to read.
I have really been missing the grandchildren the past few days.  I guess it’s because I would look forward to Fridays to shop for them…then time to pick them up and then look forward to spending the weekends with them….I would look forward to the summer when they would spend sometimes weeks with me.  And I looked forward to football season to watch them practice and play their games.
Now I look forward to getting an e-mail.  Perhaps a message on Facebook…or a text once my phones are turned back on. 
I realize it’s summer, and they live near the beach, and have things to do like get used to a new home, a new town, a new school and new friends to make.  But I feel left out somehow. Is that wrong of me??
Every day I have to drag myself out of bed.  I go through the motions of everyday life; let the dogs out, feed and water them, go to the bathroom, turn on the computer, make a pot of coffee and wash any dishes in the sink.  The men in my house seem to delight in seeing just how far they can fill the sink up after I have already gone upstairs to bed.
Days like these don’t help my mood any.  In the Words of a favorite “Winnie the Pooh Song”;
Winnie-the-Pooh-and-the-Blustery-Day-winnie-the-pooh-2022176-1280-960  
A Rather Blustery Day
Oh the wind is lashing lusterly
And the trees are thrashing thrusterly
And the leaves are rustling gusterly
So it's rather safe to say
That it seems that it may turn out to be
It feels that it will undoubteadly
Looks like a rather blustery day today
What did I do before grandchildren?   Before children???  What did I look forward to??  How did I occupy my mind and my time?
That seems like forever ago.. After all, for 20 years, I have been shopping for and pampering Grandchildren.  And for 17 years before that, for my own children…Have I really been  a mother for 37 years??  Where did the time go?
So it’s no wonder, right now I feel like “Winnie the Pooh”; with the temperament of my favorite character, Eeyore.
eeyore-rainwallpaper
 
Little Black Rain Cloud
I'm just a little black rain cloud
Hovering under the honey tree
I'm only a little black rain cloud
Pay no attention to little me
Ev'ryone knows that a rain cloud
Never eats honey, no, not a nip
I'm just floating around over the ground
Wondering where I will drip
I need to find my niche in life. It’s obvious that now I need a reason to get out of bed….besides the mundane every day housework.  I need to find a reason to bound down the stairs with some semblance of energy and happiness.  I have tried endlessly to find a job, some sort of work for pay to keep me busy; but no where is there a place that wants a 50+ woman with more skills than a teenager. I’m “Over qualified”.
If the rain would quit outside, and the sadness inside would dry up; maybe I could remember what used to make me happy before children and I could go on with my daily life somewhat happy.
I knit, I play on the computer, I watch TV, I garden….But at the end of it all, I’m alone and sad.  I wish I could crawl right into the photos I cherish and hug my grandchildren…..and never let them go.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

On Daily Blogging

With nothing to do without my grandchildren around to pamper, I have taken to trying to write a daily blog.  Some have come to me as I lie in bed trying to sleep- others just flow out as I sit at the keyboard.I start with an idea…Some of them require more work…Sometimes a little research for a date or a photo..while other come straight from the heart.
calendar
Remember when you were growing up and “every” girl kept a diary??  Back then, they were small books with a key where we wrote our most private secret thoughts…then hid the book where no one (except maybe our Mom when she was cleaning our room or changing the bed linens) knew where it was.
diary with key
Oh the things we would write….
“There’s a cute boy in my class. I wonder if he notices me.”
“My parents are so mean!! They won’t let me wear make-up like the other girls at school!”
“ My brother is a real pain…And nothing he does is ever wrong”
“My teacher is so stupid.”
And then we’d add our own little art work…hearts and smiles, flowers and animals….Back in the day before stickers….
Arabian_horse_head_sketh_by_spill_milk 4355898_5515dab3d9 heart KroySquare FlowersDragonfly-1
When we were in school, it was called a journal.  Sometimes we were given a title or a subject to write about…
diary
“How I spent my summer Vacation”
“ when I grow up, I want to be….”
But these were a little less private…after all, we knew our teachers would collect them and read them. If we were lucky, we’d get them back without the dreaded red pen marks of corrected spelling or grammar or the “Did Not Follow Topic….You can do better”
And now as adults, we write “Blogs”.
Memories…
Thoughts….
      Observations…
              Rants…
Only now we share them with others all over the world.  We invite comments.  We console each other in times of sadness, depression and anger.  We laugh with each other, at each other or even cry with each other. We share photos, jokes and sometimes even “Spread Madness” with each other.
And I wouldn’t change a thing.
I really enjoy sharing with everyone.
I have met some wonderful people, now friends, all over the world, through Windows Live Spaces, Facebook and now these blog pages.. I have viewed life through the eyes of others. And I think we can all say we share so much of our lives that we “know” each other as if we have always been friends.
Thank-You my friends! I say that proudly as I consider each of you a dear friend.
Hugs and Love to all!!


.

Friday, June 17, 2011

To My Daughter

I wish I could tell you how proud I am of you…..
How much I love you.
I’m so sorry that words have come between us.
You have always been so much a part of my life; and I miss you
You are more than just a daughter to me. You are my best friend.
You helped me get through so many difficult things throughout my life.
You cheered me up when no one else could.
You made me laugh when I wanted to cry.

You gave me 4 very precious grandchildren.
And you raised them with little help from their fathers.
For 19 years, they have been a very big part of my life….
From the moment they were born, I was there with you.
Birthdays, Holidays, Vacations, School, Sports,
and so far, one graduation.
I have thousands of photographs,
and a million more memories-
but I don’t have you-
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect you would shut me completely out of your life for so long.
If I could turn back the hands of time,
I would take back all the hurtful things we said or done to each other.
And never let those things happen again.
Some day,
I hope you can forgive me and forget the past.
And you will allow me back in your life.
Until then,
I hope you know that I am so proud of the woman you have become…
Beautiful, Smart and Independent,
and a wonderful mother.

Maybe one day,
we can be friends again.
Until then
I love you!
and I miss you.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Father’s Day….For my Dad

“Any Man can be a father,

But it takes someone special to be a dad”

me and dad

My Dad was that special man.

My Dad had a nick name for me; a “pet” name if you will….”Sweet bird”

For the first 11 years of my life, my Dad was in the Navy.  I don’t remember him ever being gone to sea, but I do know there were many deployments during his 27 year career. My mother never drove a car, so if we ever went to the ship’s departure or arrival, I don’t remember it.

But we had many Holiday dinners aboard ships.  My dad was a “Commissary man”; commonly know as the ship’s cooks.  After he retired they were referred to as “Mess Specialists” and now they are called “Culinary Specialists”. Every year at Christmas, the families were treated to a feast of a meal which included all the Turkey, ham and trimmings as well as nuts and hard candies.  The MWR or Morale Welfare and Recreation Department, provided presents for the children and a Santa to pass them out.  The ship was always decorated with Christmas trees and other lights and decorations as well.

I was a pure Tom boy growing up.  I would rather have cowboy hats, 6-shooters and cowboy boots than a doll.  The last present I received on a ship was a “Fort Apache” cowboy and Indian set.  Don’t get me wrong!  I did have dolls.  My Dad would bring back dolls from the countries he traveled to and they would sit on my dresser.  Pretty, frilly dolls with lacey hats and dresses and curled hair.

My dad always told me that if someone was bigger than I was, Pick up something to hit them with if they were picking on me.

My Dad would take my mother to the bar for a few beers and come  home “3 sheets to the wind” and sing….  “Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra”, “Oh Danny Boy”, “Me and My Shadow” or turn on the old reel-to reel tape player of songs…Like “Barnacle Bill the Sailor”.  He had us kids recite

“Home is the hunter,

Home from the Hills

Home is the Sailor

Home from the Sea.”

My Dad always made sure I had a birthday cake for my birthday, even though it was so close after Christmas.  The last cake my Dad bought for me was in 1979….I was 23 and getting ready to get married for the second time….to a Sailor.

As a toddler, before I started school, we lived in a  2 bedroom mobile home. The hall went through the kitchen and bathroom; placing the toilet and sink on one side and the tub on the other.  My parents room was in the front of the trailer, then the living room and our room was in the back.  My Dad mounted the TV on a shelf up high out of the reach of little fingers.  I remember sitting on the couch opposite the TV watching “Captain Kangaroo”, “Poop Deck Pappy”, “Gun Smoke”, “Have Guns will travel” and “The Green Hornet”.  Often times I either sat on my Dad’s lap when he was home, or on his big belly.

When we were young, we would go on vacation to my Dad’s hometown of Wellston, Ohio to visit his family.  I always was allowed to stay with my Aunt Erma, my Dad’s oldest sister who had horses.   I visited with my grandparents and remember well the sliding down the banisters, my grandfather’s spittoon, the old ringer washer, but most of all my Grandmother’s homemade apple butter, she stored in the cold cellar out back.  My Grandfather had chickens he had named and they would strut when called, he had a black horse named “Blackie who chewed tobacco, and a massive vegetable garden with the best tasting tomatoes and cabbage.  They had a swing set in the back yard right across the sidewalk from the garden.  We would swing high, jump off into the garden, grab a tomato or a cabbage leaf and eat it (Heaven forbid) without even washing it off….All while Grandma was watching from her Kitchen window above the sink.  I know that is where my Dad and his younger brother Paul learned their cooking skills…from their Mom and my Grandmother.

allens

My Dad knew me better than anyone.  In past blogs I have talked about all the sacrifices my Dad made for the 6 of us kids.  He managed to find the money to pay for me to go to a Western ranch on Saturdays during the school year for over 2 years.  At first I just went half a day on Saturdays.  Then it was all day Saturday, and towards the end, I was spending Friday nights in the bunk house with a dozen or so others, caring for the horses and preparing them for the riders on Saturdays….Leaving late Saturday evening for home, happy and worn out.  He scraped up the money to board a pony my Aunt brought us one summer when she asked me what I wanted…My Aunt actually brought 2 ponies but Dad had worked out a plan with the man who kept our ponies to swap some board for the Filly.

prince

We had many, many dogs over the years…we’d bring one home and Mom always said no, but Dad always said yes…Sometimes, even he would be the one bringing them home. The saying was if it ate, or pooped  we couldn’t have it….but we always had a dog.

My Dad was always working.  He worked as a Butcher in a grocery store when he retired from the Navy for awhile but did not like the standards of the company.  He thought they were lax and dangerous. He worked as a Bartender for 2 local bars; “The Casino” and “Allen’s Grill”; both in Chic’s Beach close to where we lived. 

Dad tending Bar

He worked at the Shore Drive Inn Theater; at night as a watchmen wandering the rows of cars and running the children’s train in front of the screen before the movie began….In the mornings with my brothers and I he would pick up the trash left behind and clean the office and bathrooms. It was a family affair.  My mom worked in the ticket box, my brother and I worked in the Snack Bar when we were old enough.  He set fishing nets and crab pots in the bay.  And we had a lawn care business where my dad would take my bothers and I and a whole truck load of lawn mowers around to cut grass all day on the weekends and all week during the summers. It’s hard for me to think about this now, but all those places my Dad worked are now gone; the ships long retired.  Even all the places I worked when I was young are gone.

Even though my Dad brought home less than $700 a month in pay, we never went hungry, or without anything we needed.  The mortgage and bills were always aid on time, there was always food in the cupboards, refrigerator and on the table.  Even Donuts, Ice Cream and  bananas….which sometimes almost didn’t make it home from the stores with children eating them in the back of the car as he drove home.

My Dad was  always there for me.  When my first marriage broke up, he drove all the way to Marquette, Michigan to pick my son and I , and all our belongings up to move back in with them. I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter.  When I went into labor, he told me to call an ambulance because he and Mom were at a friend’s home and he didn’t think he could get there in time….I wanted to wait for him…..until the ambulance he had called showed up.

grandkids my oldest and Chip’s oldest

My Dad was so proud of all his grandchildren.  And sometimes, I think he was on the verge of having a heart attack when my children pulled some of their stunts….My son going into the back yard with a baggie collecting grass clippings and telling my Dad he had a bag of “Grass” (pot, marijuana)…My daughter climbing trees, fences, bunk beds flipping off the top and the wrought Iron Railing on the back porch to get on the roof….

And my Dad loved all of his great-grandchildren.  Growing up in the 60’s, you just didn’t have black friends if you were white.  But I did….and Dad was shocked when I brought one home once.  But he approved of most of my friends .  He did not judge my Daughter for having 3 mixed race children…They were his Pride and Joy….and you’d better not mess with them or miss-treat them.

The last time I saw my Dad, my Daughter , her family and I went to Virginia in 2003 for Father’s day….June 15th.  I took my Dad a T-shirt that had one of those saying about being a grandpa….By this time, my Dad was spending more and more time in his room sleeping and only venturing out as far as the bathroom or the kitchen table.  We went in to say Hello as soon as we got there and he hugged each one. While home for the week or two we were there, I washed his hair, combed and cut it, trimmed his beard and his toe nails.  His skin was so thin that his toes bled when I held them.  When he was awake, he wanted to know where “His Kids” (the great grand kids)  were.  I told him I had spoke with his brother Sonny, and they were planning a trip to see him the next month….He said “I won’t be here”.  He had no other explanation than that.  And I didn’t push it except to ask where he would be…and got the same answer again.

Not more than 2 weeks later I was back in Ohio where I live watching the “4th of July” fireworks display at the Fairgrounds 2 blocks from my house.  They were playing a “Salute to the Military”,  playing all the different branch songs. For no apparent reason, when they played “Anchors Aweigh”, the tears would not stop running from my eyes. 

I walked home from the fairgrounds and no sooner walked in the front door of my apartment when the phone rang…It was my Mom…My Dad had died in the nursing home where he had been taken 2 days earlier that very day….How fitting for a man who spent so much of his life in the service of his country to die on such an important date in our country’s history. I cried so hard I couldn’t dial the phone to tell my oldest son the news….My Daughter took over.  And the next day once again we all loaded into her vehicle and headed “Home”.  I brought the T-shirt I had bought him and he had worn so proudly home with me.

I miss my Dad every day.  In January 2008 something happened to remind me that Dad would always watch over me….I had a house fire in the place I was renting. Thanks to a neighbor who woke us up, my middle son, my oldest grandson and I all escaped without major injuries. There we stood in the snow on a cold January morning as all around us a flurry of activity of people helping us. I couldn’t think when asked where my husband and other son was….my youngest was at a “Cub Scout Training”, my husband at work.  My middle son had some minor burns and smoke inhalation as did I.  The firefighters and my neighbors recued all of our animals one by one….the only casualty being a parakeet.

But more importantly, none of my precious Family photos were touched!!  A picture of my Dad as a boy sat not more than 2 feet from the kitchen that was completely destroyed, but not even the glass broke.  On the computer stand, the printer was melted down to half it’s size, but beside it in a plastic recycled frame was another photo of my Dad….untouched.

Looking through those photos, I have very few with my Dad and I together.  As I grew up, I was the one taking the photos…never in them.

Perhaps the thing that made me realize the most that my Dad was watching over me was this Glass ornament of Angels sitting on a lighted base that my Mother had given me….for 3 days, it would come on and light for a few minutes, then go back off….It still works today.

angel 001

This Sunday is Father’s Day…..8 Years have passed since my Dad died.

I will Always remember my Dad….And I miss him so much….

I love you Dad!! Thanks for always watching over us….

 

 

 

Now that’s just annoying!!

Now if I was trying to take a nap right now I would be really peeved!  For the last hour, the same dog has been barking his fool head off.  I mean constant barking!  Not the “Yap, Yap” and quite I mean “Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark Bark” over and over and over!

I know just which dog it is, too.  My former Land Lady, who lives caddy corner across the back alley from us adopted a Rottweiler from another neighbor who was taking very good care of it.  The dog was skinny and under nourished; and this woman has a tendency to over feed her dogs after getting them spade and neutered. Once my son and I had to crawl on the ground to get her dog out from under her pick up truck where she had managed to wedge herself tightly.  Another aging dog required 3 people to lift her up when she could no longer walk and had to be put to sleep.

When I lived in her duplex, I begged to replace a rickety wire fence piece with chain link to match the other 3 sides of the yard…And even offered to pay for it!  But she would not allow me to do it.  After the fire and we moved in permanently in my mother-in-law’s duplex, the former land lady installed Privacy fencing around the entire property!! (what a witch!)

Anyway, now she opens her back porch door and lets this new adoptee out in the back yard….And since it can not see what is going on, it just barks constantly at everything!!

I have 4 dogs…Actually 2 dogs are my son’s dogs; “Vicious” pit bulls who would sooner lick you to death than scratch their own fleas, my Shih-Tzu and my husband’s Chihuahua.

My son’s dogs prefer to be outside unless it is raining or very hot.  The female is the “Talker”.  If she is trying to get the attention of a child she wants to pet her or the puppy next door to play with her, she will “yip” for a few minutes until told to shut up. I also consider her to be “A.D.D.”…as she is over 5 years old, still has not out grown her puppy stage, and has a hard time focusing her attention for long on commands.  I don’t allow any of my dogs to bark for more than a few warning minutes…If they are alerting me to someone at the door, or in/near our yard.  Then they are made to lie down and be quiet.  The exception is when the mail lady comes as they are given dog bones and will bark at her for several minutes as she passes.

So this excessive barking from another dog is very annoying.  I wouldn’t want to live next to a dog who did this.

Another annoying habit about some dog owners is when they take their dogs for a walk to do their “business” on someone else’s lawn.  I would be very irritated if I didn’t own an animal and stepped in “Poop” when I walked out in my yard to cut grass or get the paper!  Several people in our neighborhood walk their dogs up and down the street or over to the school or fairgrounds to “relieve” themselves.  Very few of the owners carry a bag to dispose of the waste.  A nearby park has a “Doggy Waste Station” that provides bags and a can to dispose of any droppings.  Apparently, one of my neighbors has reached his breaking point.  He has placed a hand made sign in his yard that says “Please take your dog dropping with you.”

My theory is, if you own animals, you must take responsibility for them.  Nothing worse than being woke up by a howling cat in heat, a cat fight or a dog that barks for hours on end.

Hugs and Love to all!!

 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Dreams should last forever.

“This could be our last goodnight together
We may never pass this way again
Just let me enjoy 'till its over
Or forever
Please don't tell me how the story ends
See the way our shadows come together
Softer than your fingers on my skin
Someday this may be all
That we'll remember
Of each other
Please don't tell me how the story ends
Never's just the echo of forever
Lonesome as the love that might have been
Just let me go on loving and believing
'Till it's over
”

Those are the words from a Ronnie Milsap song from my past.  But they echo in my head today.

I have been going to bed pretty early since the grandchildren have moved away.  There just doesn’t seem to be any reason to stay awake anymore.  There is no one to talk to, no one to care for, no visitors to entertain….Rather than let the sadness overcome me, I go to bed to sleep, to dream.

The other day I found myself wishing I could go to sleep and dream forever, never to awaken again. There would be no one to miss me, no one who would care if I was gone.

But I sleep and dream.

The dream I had was a wonderful dream.  My grandchildren were with me again.  I could feel the touch of their hands. I could smell their hair, the very scent of them near me.  I could feel their warm arms around me, hear the sounds their voices, see their smiles, hear their laughter… I wanted the dream to go on forever.  I didn’t want to ever wake up.

But alas; it was only a dream.  I awoke with a smile only to turn over and find the emptiness in my bed. The reality set in only too quickly. 

I went to the computer to check my e-mail, and my Facebook.  But the only words I read were harsh words from my grand-daughter because her phone was turned off.  After having to pay for a moving truck and a storage shed, I had to cut back on the amount I paid on the phones; and the company refuses to work with me.  So until I can come up with the money, the service is suspended.  I feel bad enough as it is.  I realize that as a teenager, the cell phone is her only contact with her friends here.  But as I learned later, she does have internet service and can use skype to contact them.

I wish I had enough money that I didn’t have to live week to week. I wish I had money saved away in a bank account somewhere….I wish I could buy them everything their hearts desired.

But money doesn’t buy love. 

Although it seems in some instances, lack of money is a reason to with hold love.

“To sleep: perchance to dream”

Hugs and Love to all my dear friends who lift me up when the sadness overcomes me.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Letting Go

We spend much of our lives letting go without thinking much about it.

As a baby, our first experience of “letting go” is letting go of the furniture to take our first steps. Our parents watch with baited breath as we stand there without holding on waiting for us to take those first un-assisted steps.  Little do we know, and as parents we hate to admit, we are also letting go.  Those first few steps are our new independence, and our parents first steps of letting us go.  Of course, there will be stumbles and falls, “boo-boos” that will need kissing, bumps, bruises and sore bums.  Before we know it, we are off on our own running.

Our next experience of letting go will be the first day of school.  No longer will we have long days of play, naps when we get tired and unlimited time with parents or grandparents. Our parents will walk us to the bus and watch as we get on and the doors close, trying to hold back the tears. Or maybe our parents went so far as to drive or walk us to school on the first day.  Then they will watch as we enter the school or our classroom for the first time standing there much longer after the doors close than is really necessary.  Some of us will cry and some of us run in with great expectations and excitement…Not knowing we have “let go” of yet one more phase of our lives.

There will be many more times as a child or a parent that we experience letting go; First school dance, First date, First time driving, First heart break, First job, First time going somewhere without our parents, ….Maybe to camp or on a school trip.  And we don’t think about letting go of the past….It just happens.

We graduate from school, maybe go off to college, get married, have children of our own….One more thing we have let go of.

And then we let go of friends and relatives….either by choice, by moving away, or by the death of someone we know or love.  And we let go again…Sometimes we cry, other times we laugh and celebrate.  Often times, we take pictures.  But we always have those memories.

I have a hard time with “Letting go”.  I don’t remember my first steps or the first day of school.  My first experience of “Letting go” that I remember is when I had to give up something I loved doing; going to a Christian Western Riding Ranch ever Saturday. I started going there after spending a summer vacation with my Aunt who owned horses.  She would put a horse in the barn by the house and showed me how to bridle and saddle it and let me go the whole time I was there.  I’d spend hours riding; so when a girl scout leader introduced me to this Ranch, I was very excited.  I started as a beginner and went through all the classes of thing I mostly already new. After 2 years, I was spending Friday nights in the bunk house feeding and caring for the horses and preparing them for the new riders on Saturday….But alas, as things go, I had to “Let go” as really my parents were really stretching their budget to allow me to attend.  After all, they had 5 other children.

Over the years, there were more “Letting Go” experiences….I had to let go of the pony we once owned when it was clear we had out grown him.  I had to let go of being on the Drill Team at school when I went to an alternative school for 6 weeks because I was pregnant with my first child.  I let go of my graduation day when it was apparent that because of being in the alternative school, I was short credits to graduate with my class; and I was moving out of state before graduation day anyway to live with my husband who was in the Air Force….I let go of my first marriage when it was clear I was the one holding on to hope that things would work out.

And over the years, I have had to let go of a lot of the mementos from all these things.  I miss them, but I do realize that I will always have the memories. I look back and wish I had a memory box. Something where I could have tucked away things I really would love to have now.  But hind sight is 20x20….and often times we don’t think of these things until it’s too late.  Now I take photographs.  Even if I can’t have the actual, physical things, I will always have the photos of them….You know, just in case, (God Forbid) someday I lose my memory and need something to refresh it.

This past 3 years has been very trying for me.  Because of a house fire, I had to let go of some cherished things that the fire consumed…a doll from my childhood, some treasured things from my past, and the house that I was renting and really loved…What was left was packed and stored, hoping some day to be brought out once again in a new home…But I have had to Let go of that dream, too.  I had to admit to myself that I will probably never have the home I dream of.  That all of my cherished things were just too many to put in the place we now live.  Some remain in storage; but this month I have “Let go” of things that meant something to me….the only new dining room set I have ever owned and paid for myself, the dishwasher, some tables, and some of my books. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but somehow, I feel like a part of me is missing.  Something I will never have again.

And if that wasn’t enough, I had to let go of my grandchildren….Oh I still know they are there and they are very much still a part of me; but no longer will I have the time with them that I have enjoyed for the past 19 years.

There will be many more things to Let go of….I’m just not looking forward to what comes next.  I still hope that one day soon, everything will turn around for me and “the sun will come out” on what seems like a cloudy day. For now, I will take each day as it comes and try to find something positive in the little achievements.

Hugs and Love to all!