Thursday, September 27, 2012

Broke…..but Excited!

I can’t wait until Monday…..

I have paid off most of my new camera and will finish paying it off on the first…..Just in time to catch the last few regular season football games and it time for the County Fair in 2 weeks.

T3i frontt3i back

This is the Canon T3i. It is an 18mm camera (up from the 14mm I currently shoot with).  It has an ISO level to 6400 expandable to 12800, does HD video and shoots 3.7 frames per second.  Best thing is the lenses I have now will fit it, as will the memory cards.

It has left me almost broke, but it’s something worthwhile that I really want. Later I’ll send my other camera in for repairs.

Next up, I’m going to order some thing little by little to add to my photography equipment…I just ordered 2 additional batteries for the camera from Amazon and will order other things, like Macro lenses and extension tubes, maybe a battery pack grip, etc.  I will need another camera bag, maybe I’ll go for the backpack type, or the roll around where I can include both cameras and my laptop….I’ll have to check out what’s available.  I’ll need a lens hood, filters, a “Hot Shoe” flash, and a light diffuser; most of what I can get at Wal-Mart or a local photo store.

By the time I start school in January, I should have most of what  I need. But that’s another story.  I was going to take my application down to the college today to enroll, but due to the state of my checking account now, I’ll have to wait until next pay day.  No big rush as I have to wait until October 5th for my 6 months at Wal-Mart to be eligible for their Scholarship program, and until November 1st to actually apply for the scholarship. Plenty of time before the November 29th orientation day.

So in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy using my new camera and developing a “portfolio” if you will….Fall is here, there are fairs, the Pumpkin Festival in Circleville.  Before long, winter will be here with it’s frosty coverings.

I love the fair! The food, the animals, the tractor pulls and demolition derby. And this year, I paid the extra money and bought a track side seat to the concert!



I can’t wait. I’ve seen these guys in concert before but it’s been over 35 years.  I’m anxious to hear what they play and sing.

I’m trying everything I can to keep from letting the depression of the holidays take over.  I’m sure it’s going to be a long hard battle.  I can not let myself think about the loss of my grandchildren in my life…maybe someday things will change, but for now I shed daily tears over the lack of contact with them….

But for no I struggle on….waiting for the good times and living day to day..

Hugs and Love to all!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

I’m so Lost………….

I don’t know what to do anymore…….

Up until May of 2010, I had everything I ever wanted.  Four children who talked to me, 7 grandchildren who talked to me and this was my entire life…..

Now 2 of my children no longer talk to me and I go weeks without hearing from my grandchildren.  The only time I do hear from them is payday when they want money for something.

I haven’t seen photos of any of my grandchildren except for ones posted on Facebook.

I’m lost. 

I don’t get anything from any of them… calls, no messages, no photos, no cards or letters……

What do I do?

All I do anymore is cry, or try to keep from crying.

I was running errands, shopping and such, for the elderly lady across the street.  I would cut her grass and she’d pay me for that and give me money for doing her shopping or picking up pizza for her.  I didn’t do it for the money or expect anything in return….I enjoyed talking to her daily.  Monday she went to the doctors and was admitted to the hospital, and then transferred to a nursing home.  Another neighbor has told me that she may have to sell her home and live in the nursing home for the rest of her life, as she may no longer be able to live alone…So that outlet is also now gone.

I throw myself into work. I just go day to day….hoping something changes for the better….

Nothing has.

I used to be able to take my camera to a football game or a festival and take photos. This would take my mind off my family.  For a few hours I wouldn’t think about how lonely I am.

Now my camera has even let me down. It quit recognizing memory cards.  The only fix is to send it back to the manufacturer, 500 miles away, at an estimated cost of $205 to fix it….plus the cost of wrapping, shipping and insuring it…Or to buy a new camera. I have put one on lay-away…and hope to get it out by October 1st.

I checked into going to college.  I have never been to an actual college. I went to a trade/technical school for Automotive Mechanics in 1988…This is a local college my daughter went to.  It’s a 2 year Associates Degree in Arts and Science for Photography….My main concern was paying for college.  It’s $6500 a year.  So today I applied for financial aid just to see what I could get…..and it turns out, I can get a $9500 loan (with a 10 year pay-off) and a $3900 grant I wouldn’t have to pay back.  My employer has a scholarship program that if I apply for and get would pay up to $4,000 a year.

I still have to apply for college, and in October I can apply for the scholarship.  School would start in January.

Am I asking too much from the people I love, and thought loved me??  A phone call, a photo or a letter? is that really too much to ask for?

Why must I cry myself to sleep wondering if I will ever hear their voice, see their face, or share time with them again?

Or should I just try to forget?

Forget I had 2 older children….

Forget I had 7 grandchildren…..

Forget anyone ever loved me and I ever loved anyone else…..

I’m Lost…..

What do I do?

I’m so tired of crying….

Hugs and Love to all