Sunday, September 16, 2012

I’m so Lost………….

I don’t know what to do anymore…….

Up until May of 2010, I had everything I ever wanted.  Four children who talked to me, 7 grandchildren who talked to me and this was my entire life…..

Now 2 of my children no longer talk to me and I go weeks without hearing from my grandchildren.  The only time I do hear from them is payday when they want money for something.

I haven’t seen photos of any of my grandchildren except for ones posted on Facebook.

I’m lost. 

I don’t get anything from any of them… calls, no messages, no photos, no cards or letters……

What do I do?

All I do anymore is cry, or try to keep from crying.

I was running errands, shopping and such, for the elderly lady across the street.  I would cut her grass and she’d pay me for that and give me money for doing her shopping or picking up pizza for her.  I didn’t do it for the money or expect anything in return….I enjoyed talking to her daily.  Monday she went to the doctors and was admitted to the hospital, and then transferred to a nursing home.  Another neighbor has told me that she may have to sell her home and live in the nursing home for the rest of her life, as she may no longer be able to live alone…So that outlet is also now gone.

I throw myself into work. I just go day to day….hoping something changes for the better….

Nothing has.

I used to be able to take my camera to a football game or a festival and take photos. This would take my mind off my family.  For a few hours I wouldn’t think about how lonely I am.

Now my camera has even let me down. It quit recognizing memory cards.  The only fix is to send it back to the manufacturer, 500 miles away, at an estimated cost of $205 to fix it….plus the cost of wrapping, shipping and insuring it…Or to buy a new camera. I have put one on lay-away…and hope to get it out by October 1st.

I checked into going to college.  I have never been to an actual college. I went to a trade/technical school for Automotive Mechanics in 1988…This is a local college my daughter went to.  It’s a 2 year Associates Degree in Arts and Science for Photography….My main concern was paying for college.  It’s $6500 a year.  So today I applied for financial aid just to see what I could get…..and it turns out, I can get a $9500 loan (with a 10 year pay-off) and a $3900 grant I wouldn’t have to pay back.  My employer has a scholarship program that if I apply for and get would pay up to $4,000 a year.

I still have to apply for college, and in October I can apply for the scholarship.  School would start in January.

Am I asking too much from the people I love, and thought loved me??  A phone call, a photo or a letter? is that really too much to ask for?

Why must I cry myself to sleep wondering if I will ever hear their voice, see their face, or share time with them again?

Or should I just try to forget?

Forget I had 2 older children….

Forget I had 7 grandchildren…..

Forget anyone ever loved me and I ever loved anyone else…..

I’m Lost…..

What do I do?

I’m so tired of crying….

Hugs and Love to all

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