Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Another day

Another day closer to the end of the month. I am patiently waiting for the 1st of July so I will have the money to pay my phone bills; since it’s obvious that someone doesn’t think I need the class action lawsuit check…Still no word on it.

I don’t know why I check the mailbox anymore.  Mostly junk mail, cigarette coupons….and I don’t smoke…and “Direct TV” or “Free Funeral Expense/Burial Plot” adds. (do they know something I don’t?)… I was kind of hoping for something a little more personal; like a letter from a friend or family member…like my Mother since my brother and family have gone back home. 

Since my cell phone has been suspended for almost 2 weeks, I am only allowed to receive incoming messages.  What good is that?? I can’t answer them! So I have been keeping it shut off and only turn it on in the evening to delete all the messages I couldn’t answer.

I finally got a letter from my mother today. She told me in the letter that my brother-in-law bought my younger sister a cell phone.  I had given her one that I had bought for my daughter since I had almost 8 months left on that contract.  My sister kept sending me a text message from a number I had never seen before.  Today I decided to use my home phone, which I plugged back in recently, and called the number.  Since she has a new phone, she no longer needs the phone I was paying for. She has it all boxed up and is adding some bath and beauty things that she received as gifts and doesn’t use but hadn’t mailed the box yet.  She told me a neighbor asked about the phone.  I told her if she can sell it, that’s okay by me.  That would give her the money to send the package to me, and if there was extra, she could send me the money.

I thought about giving the phone to one of my grandchildren…but they don’t contact me with the ones they have now. I also thought about sending it to my Mom.  My sister said she could hear real well on the phone when she was home, and since she had no long distance service, she’d be able to call the 3 of us that don’t live near her.  But she has always said that she hates cell phones, so I will save myself a little money.

So I decided to call my cell phone provider and cancel the service on that one.  That will save me about $30 a month, more or less. If my son does what he said, and get his phone transferred over to his name, that will just about cut my cell phone bill in half….but I’m not counting my chickens just yet. Do you know that even though I have had no use of my cell phones for over 14 days, I still have to pay the full month of service??  What a rip off!! My usage for this billing period is 4 minutes!!

Oh well, something else I pay for and never get to use….like my car that my son always has….

Hugs and Love to all!!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I started it

I have been putting it off for awhile.
I think it is because it seams so final.
On Friday, my son and I walked up to Arby’s for “dinner”.  We were the only 2 home at the time, and we very seldom get to go out anywhere to eat anymore so it was kind of a treat.  I really can’t afford to spend extra money on such frivolities, but what the heck! I needed a break and so did he.
Since my youngest son had taken my car to his friends house for about a week, give or take a few days, we were on foot.  What I like about Arby’s is the variety, although their prices are so much higher than most fast food restaurants.  They have several different potato products; home style fries, curly fries and stuffed potato wedges (ymmmy! my favorite!) and onion petals.  And if you so desire you can get dipping sauces like warm melted cheese or ranch.
The dark cloud in the western sky didn’t stop us from stopping in at Jo Ann Fabrics to snoop around.  I found a clerk to ask her for a suggestion on which fusible webbing product she would recommend to make a T-shirt quilt.  I never knew they made so many…. So she showed me what most people use and I bought 2 yards to try it.  I looked through the yarns as I need a particular shade of purple to finish a scarf I am working on, but they had nothing near the color I need; and I hadn’t brought the piece I keep to match it anyway.  I also tried to decide what color of material I want to use for the borders of the blocks, although right now I am leaning towards a yellow as all the teams had that as one of their colors.  For the outside binding, I am considering a series of 3 colors; Purple, then Yellow then a navy blue for the football team and the schools. And we continued our walk home, and got caught in the rain….It wasn’t a down pour, but a gentle shower and the trees along the side walks helped to block  most of it.
The kid2 006
When we arrived home and I had taken in the stray cat that followed us home and given it a flea shampoo and wrapped it in a warm towel, I went up to my son’s room to retrieve the Iron and get the bag of T-shirts from it’s safe place in my room.  We bought the iron to use on his uniforms and it remains in it’s box in his room….That way we can always find it.
I still have not brought myself to take the football T-shirts apart, but I have done a few; the school football shirts, an old football youth team, my grand-daughter’s track and soccer T-shirts, the youngest grandson’s wrestling tournament T-shirt….and some scout shirts from day camp have had the scissors taken to them and have been cut in two with the sleeves removed.
The fusible web seams easy enough to work with so far, but I still have to see how it is going to do when I sew it on the machine.  I haven’t decided on a backing yet.  And I either have to “splurge” and buy a new machine; find a good used one, or borrow my mother-in-law’s machine.  (Last time I used it, it really gave me a fit.)
I haven’t decided how big the quilt will be, but the T-shirts are pretty much deciding that for me.  The patterns on the shirts come out nicely in a 14” block.  I have found that I can not “eye” the proper  block, so will need a quilting square to help me when I get down to the football shirts and final assembly.  But I am not that close yet.
me 005
I will have to go to the Screen Printer and order some shirts later.  I want to include a shirt for my oldest grandson’s middle school team, and All the boys number/name blocks for their assorted teams…mainly their football numbers….For my oldest grandson, that is 3 teams with different numbers.  The younger two only have the one team and they kept their same number for 4 years.
In the past, I have quilted my own quilts after they are assembled but I am considering having this one professionally quilted….depending on how it turns out…There is quite a cost to do that that I am not sure I can afford, but a local shop may give me a “demonstration” of their Long arm quilter and do it for less. It may turn out that each block has a different quilted pattern inside…Like the basketball one would have the basketball sewn in, the wrestling one would have wrestlers sewn in, and the football ones could have footballs, helmets, etc. I kind of like the wings for the track shirt. 
It’s for me anyway…although if it turns out nice, I may enter it in the Fair.  I am considering entering the fair anyway…I’ll check on it and sign up for a few of their different  categories…maybe quilting, knitting and photography and at least get the 7 day fair pass.
If I can’t be with my grandchildren, I can snuggle myself in a blanket of their sports t-shirts and my memories of watching them play.
Maybe they will find a way to let me see them “play” sports again this year.

Hugs and Love to all!  I will post more quilt photos as it progresses. 


Monday, June 27, 2011

The little things

Without the grand children around to share things with, I am beginning to learn to take pleasure in the little things.

Saturday, my mother-in-law had a “Mary Kay” party.  I don’t wear make-up….I don’t go out anywhere to wear make-up.  So it’s very rare for me to even buy any kind of make-up….But my niece is trying to make a little extra money, and she was the one selling the “Mary Kay”, plus my sister-in-law came with her and it was a chance for me to get out of the house with some adults for a few hours. 

She put on her little talk, the few of us that were there put on some of the make-up, and in the end I ended up spending a little money, that I probably shouldn’t have.  I bought a facial scrub and a light weight moisturizer that has sun screen in it. Everyone complimented me on the make-up, but it really wasn’t enough to make me feel “special”.  For $20 one should feel special!   We had a light lunch, and I was given some of the leftovers to carry home.  It’s just me and my middle son at home for the weekend so it will make for several meals.  Nothing special, chicken salad, hamburger buns and potato salad….

When I went home, I got back on the computer to view my facebook and see if there were any new “important” updates….Like something really important was going to happen in 2 hours…

I had posted some pictures of the new kitten and a friend asked if I was going to put a collar on it so if it got out, people would know where to look for it’s owners…My cats don’t wear collars in the house because I am always afraid they will get somewhere they shouldn’t be and get hung by them.  I think it’s fairly safe to say that the kitten won’t be doing that anytime soon. So I went looking through my “secret highly safe” storage spots….Only to find memories that needed to stay hidden as they just made me cry….my youngest grandson’s “wife beater” A-line t-shirt, my lost mini-pin’s t-shirt, and some assorted kids toys….Through the tears, I got back on the computer.

The only thing that really caught my eye was a web cam picture of the youngest grandson.  within a few minutes of viewing that picture, he must have turned the we cam on just for me….For there was a short (under 2 minute) video.  I saw all 3 grandsons, (well about half of the oldest from knee to chest) their 2 dogs and about the same portion of my daughter…with sound….The daughter was doing her usual; drinking sweet tea and yelling at the kids. But the important thing was, I saw the kids and heard their voices…I wish I could save that forever.

The little things….

I hear talking outside my window, and it turned out my brother and sister-in-law were next door installing a printer on my mother-in-law’s computer….Something she wanted and probably will need help in operating later.  She is connected to the internet thanks to my wireless connection, and needs help at least once a week because she “can’t” get on….because she never shuts her computer off….just lets it go to sleep mode.  But those in-laws have never made me welcome.  They live in town less than 2 miles away.  I don’t get invited over there, they don’t call to see if I need anything, and they rarely talk to me….unless they need something.  I’m better off without them.  I’ve lived here 9 years and can probably count on both hands how many times I have been to their house…and 3 of those times were graduations for which I took photos and gave them CD’s.  They don’t recognize my birthday or give presents for any occasion…but they are the “Chosen” ones….

I hope my grandson will send me more videos….

Until then, I will hold on to this one….

Then today I get on Facebook and see the youngest has posted a picture of him in a chair with his left foot bandaged and a pair of crutches.  Seams he tripped off his deck at home and sprained his ankle.  He said he’s keeping the crutches because they are “cool and fun”….typical boy!


Hugs and Love to all!!!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

What happened??

My heart is breaking right now.

Before the “Big Move”, one of my grandsons had been coming over every single weekend for over 4 months.  Before he left, he promised me he would text me, write me or call me every day so I wouldn’t miss him.

He said he’d never forget me .

He has a Facebook page, or at least, he had one. 

I was sitting outside with my in-laws today who had brought over a printer for my mother-in-law.  It was an older 3-in-1 printer and after several times of installing, uninstalling, buying new cords and downloading updated drivers, my sister-in-law gave up and went out and bought a new printer….Much to my mother-in-law’s disapproval as she thinks no one should spend money on her….Hey! Spend it on me!!! I won’t say a word!!!!

My brother-in-law was busy going through photos albums looking for a “centuries” old photo of him one Halloween when he was a die hard “Gene Simmons/Kiss” fan. (Teenagers, what can I say….he’s over 40 now!!)

I visited with his 2 grandchildren who are friends of mine on some of the games I play on Facebook.   Then they bought Pizza for dinner and we all sat around on the porch chatting about different things, football, work, etc.  They finally went home around 9:30 p.m…..and I went to get on the computer.

I wanted to check on the grandkids to see what they had been doing…. and my grandson, who said he would make sure he talked to me every day was gone from my friends list.

I noticed his sister was on-line so I asked her if she would find out what happened.  I guess he has deleted his entire Facebook page…so I won’t be hearing from him, at least not that way….And we chatted/texted for a few minutes.  I told her I’d have the phones back on by next Friday and asked her if she still loved me….you never know these days with kids…Love you one minute, take away their cell phone and they hate you the next….Her answer was “Idk (text terminology for I don’t know), Is the sky still blue?”  so I guess that means yes…I told her it was kind of dark outside so I couldn’t tell….but she told me to wait until the morning to check…Hopefully the sky is not black tomorrow and we have a day as nice as today.

In the meantime, I miss everyone of them and wish they would all just send me a message once in awhile; whether it be e-mail, Facebook or whatever telling me that they missed me as much as I miss them…

I need my cell phone back on…..and Friday is almost a week away…..

Hugs and Love to all

(who are keeping me sane and cheering me up!!!)



Trouble comes in all size packages.

I could see trouble coming.

It all began several days ago when I went out on the porch to fetch the jar of sun tea I left out there to brew.  Two young ladies of about 10 years of age were riding their bicycles past the house.  One of them had a kitten of a few months of age cradled in her left arm as she rode. “Are you Tyree’s grandma?'” the other asked. I am very  proud to be able to answer yes to this question whenever I am recognized.

That’s when the trouble began.  The other young lady proceeded to tell me the sad story of how she found this “poor” kitten in her back yard and she had been trying to find a home for it. I asked if it was a boy or a girl and she replied “Girl”.  Having 3 adult male cats; 2 of them 6 years old and 1 of them 4 years old, I really didn’t want another cat….especially a female.  I’m over the “caring for newborns” stage of my life (Unless it’s a grand baby!). Then the young lady told me she was moving and had a male neutered cat with all his shots and they weren’t going to be able to take it with them….I didn’t want to break her heart but I really don’t need a 4th cat.

Over the years I have taken in my share of strays, from alligators to teenagers to sailors, and perhaps a portion of someone else’s. First it was my ex-husband bringing home first a puppy, then friends.  Then it was my husband bringing home single sailors.  Then my children brought home strays or pets they had earned cleaning out fish tanks at the pet store….and finally my grand children.  It was as if I had “S.P.C.A.” stamped on my forehead. I can’t even recall all of their names anymore. People just seamed to know that I would take in any strays if I could. 

Yesterday, my middle son and I went out to eat at Arby’s.  The younger son had the car, so we walked as we so often do. As we were leaving the restaurant, we could see this large black cloud coming in from the west and we just knew we were about to get rained on. I stopped anyway at the fabric store to see about some fusible web for my T-shirt quilt I am going to make.  As we were leaving the store, it started to sprinkle, but the drops were few and far between….until we got a few blocks closer to home. The trees along the side of the street sheltered us from getting totally soaked, and the rain soon let up as we turned down our street.

Then it happened.

The two of us became three….the third being the small black and white kitten from the day before, crying as it ran first ahead…then waiting for us to catch up.  It followed us right up the steps where it introduced itself to our male tom cat, Smokey.  Normally, Smokey is the first to chase any stray cats from “His” porch, but instead, he checked out this kitten and finding no reason to harm it, lay back down….This spells trouble….

The kitten would not come close enough for us to pick up and soon started back down the street.  One of the little girls from the day before had already spotted the kitten, and us trying to coax it to come closer.  Before I knew what was happening, I was holding this little bundle.  It was a male.  He was in sad shape…His fur was filthy and he smelled as if he’d been living in the sewer….but his little “motor”  made him feel as if he were shivering.

The Kid 008

The rest is history….My heart melted and I took the little stranger inside.  I gave him a flea bath and he didn’t even make a big fuss about it.  I wrapped him in a thick towel and gently dried him off.  Then released him to investigate.   My Shih-Tzu checked him out…..My other gray cat Bandit definitely does not approve, as he hissed and spat at the intruder.  And Satan my black cat, who had adopted a previous litter of kittens (even though he is a neutered male) seamed to say, “I can live with it.” Before long, after cleaning himself and investigating a little, he found a warm spot on the couch to lay down and dry the rest of the way.  Before I knew it, he was curled up in a ball sleeping on the back of the chaise lounge near where I sat on the computer.

The true test was yet to come, as I was waiting for my younger son to come home so I could go grocery shopping….Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of white dash by….”What the…..?”  I told him that Smokey had brought him in.  “Smokey, you have got to stop bringing home strays”, he said and went on packing for his visit south with his friend…NO fighting…..On his way out the door, he said “It’s either ‘The Kid’ or ‘J-Rock’ .”  The kitten has been named…..this means it’s not leaving…..

Even my 2 big “mean” pit bulls were curious.  They were instrumental in Satan adopting his previous litter as they somehow managed to find 4 kittens and bring them inside on their porch.  Daisy, the female, cried to see the kitten; then showered it with kisses.

And the bigger problem, he’s adopted me.  Do you know how hard it is to ignore a little “motor” when it’s sitting on your shoulder as you try to sleep? Or curled up in the crook between your arm and your torso?  Or how about when it’s sleeping on your pillow above your head with one paw gently on your face?

The Kid 005

This morning, bright and early at 6:30 a.m., I was awaken by the soft pink nose of a gentle, purring kitten.  He sits on my lap as I try to type; demanding my attention. And he even tries to type, or plays with the string on my reading glasses.

Playful, smart, demanding…with an endless motor….He seams to be saying, “Thanks for loving me”.

The Kid 007playing with Satan


Hugs and Love to all!


P.S…..Does anyone know how to shut the motor off????



Friday, June 24, 2011

Oh No!!!

Don’t get excited!  Nothing bad happened….I just forgot to blog yesterday…and I have no excuse…I have at least 3 blogs I have been working on in the evenings.  I just simply forgot to edit and post one.

But Today is a whole new story,, I will at least get something written and post…although it may not really have a real subject matter….Just ramblings of a bored mind.

My son’s alarm clock woke me up today and I was a little upset…I was having a good dream where I was in my daughter’s home (I think anyway) and we were sharing a few laughs and the kids…I don’t know what else we were doing as I woke up in the middle!!! And you know how it is, you can go back to sleep, but the dream is never the same.

Anyway…My son has had this weird schedule all week…If you remember, (or did I tell you this??? there goes my mind again!) I got yelled at on Sunday because I didn’t know my son’s work schedule and he was over an hour late for work.  First of all, he is almost 28 years old….I shouldn’t have to tell him to get off the computer,  go to bed at a reasonable hour, set your alarm and get up on your own!  And when his schedule changes sometimes daily, how am I suppose to know if he doesn’t tell me!  Anyway, he usually doesn’t work Mondays or Tuesdays….But this week he worked both days….He usually goes to work at 3 p.m…..but for the past 2 days he has gone to work at 11 a.m…..He is usually off work around 9 and that hasn’t changed…he just always doesn’t come right home….with my car….I really don’t use the car anymore except on Fridays to go to the grocery store now…I know when he does get home, because my husband’s Chihuahua starts barking…whether he is covered up or not!

So I’m up early…which lately for me is 10 a.m…I lay down at 9 p.m., and turn the TV off after the news at 11, but my mind keeps me awake or restless at least until 3 a.m..

Last evening, getting rather bored with summer re-runs, I watched PBS and saw an episode if Jane Austen’s “Sense and Sensibility”.  For those of you who have never seen this; it is a charming story about  The ladies Dashwood; Elinor and Marianne and their romantic encounters….Charming people and sometimes a heart wrenching story as I have found myself wanting to slap a few of the characters….No I am hoping to catch the next episode, if I can find out when it airs next.


This morning, I played my usual games on the computer, then decided I had better try to get the grass cut while it wasn’t raining.  So I had to look for my shoes (after all it is summer and I go barefoot most of the time) and unlock the garage. I barely got through cutting the back yard when Mother Nature decided the grass needed watering.  So I trudged on in the rain hoping to get it all finished before the sky opened up and let loose it’s usual downpour.  That having been done, I cleaned the mower and put it away…unlike some of my male counterparts who just put it away without cleaning.

Now I am back to the computer.  And I think I have done pretty well on making something out of nothing.  Later when my middle son wakes up and before the youngest comes home from work, I think we will take off on a walk and go out somewhere to eat…Don’t get excited there either!!! It will probably just be a burger and fries.

So to all my friends, thanks for reading…I am in a fairly good mood today, but happiness is still out of reach…The promise from my grandson to keep in touch must rely on my cell phone being on…and I still have a week before I can restore the service.

Hugs and Love to all!



Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Wake UP!!!!

I had the hardest time getting out of bed today. 

The dogs woke me up to go out as usual, but I just went down, let them out and went back to bed.  I pulled the sheet up over my head and went back to sleep.  The sink is full of dishes again but I don’t even care.

Last night I turned the news off and lay down to try to sleep; but too many things were keeping me awake.  I really miss the grandkids.  I don’t hear from them with my phones off.  They don’t post anything to me on Facebook, or send me any e-mails.  Once in awhile I will see where they add a picture or comment to a friend.  It’s as if I don’t exist anymore to them; and that makes me sad.

It’s noon before I finally drag myself out of bed and go down to the computer. I haven’t even made a cup of coffee yet.  Food doesn’t interest me.  I check the mail box but I know even before I open it that there is nothing inside for me… My brother is visiting my Mom, so she won’t write until after he goes back home.  And no one else writes to me.  The check I have been hoping for never comes. I don’t even get something saying that I will get any of the settlement, and that’s discouraging. The extra money would come in handy to catch up bills and maybe even buy me a sewing machine to start work on a quilt I want to make.

Last night I was thinking about the July 4th parade and celebration coming up….and for the first time in 9 years, I have no one to go with.  So I may not even go to that. 

Nothing seems to make me happy anymore.

Football sign-ups have begun, and the conditioning will be the end of July.  The first practices will be August 1st.  But that all seems so far away now….and even now I am not sure if I want to go to those…It would give me something to do, but at the same time, it would make me sad.  I’d see all the kids and their families, and not have any of my own there to cheer on.  I know I would be welcome, but it would be hard to think of what I am missing.

I have tried to be up-beat, but it only lasts for so long.  I have tried knitting, but it only keeps me busy for a few minutes before it no longer interests me. 

Every night, I try to write something in my notebook by the bed….the beginnings of a new blog….my thoughts or feelings….and even that is getting harder to do.

And I read of all my friends and the things they are doing with children, grandchildren, friends and work…..Yet, I sit in my room watching rain fall or fighting to stay sane.  I just want to go back to sleep and dream…. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Where’s the switch??

Did you ever go to your room at night and lie in your bed but just couldn’t seem to stop thinking about all the things that were running through your brain like a playful puppy?  Every time you stopped thinking about one thing, something else would pop up….Either a worry, or a bill or something you really “need” to do or should do?  Wouldn’t it be great if there was a switch you could just switch off long enough to get a peaceful, 8 hours of sleep?
Instead we lay there with our eyes closed and think "I need to go here…. pay this…. pick this up….check on this…call this person….write this person….”
And then there are the “what ifs?; the should of, could of, would of’s…….
If there was a switch we could shut off just long enough to get a full night’s sleep without thinking of all the things we do….Wow!  What a good night’s sleep we’d get! We would wake up refreshed.  Everything would seam so much better. We’d have a whole new outlook in the morning and though out the day.
The only problem I would see with this is some of us might just forget to turn the switch back on when we got up.We’d have to write ourselves a note and put it somewhere we would be sure to look….for me that would be the coffee pot…
“Note to self….
          Turn Brain switch on”
No problem …. whahhhh…..where is it???
After all as we grow older, I have found my memory is not what it used to be.  I have a habit of putting things away in a “safe” place- and then forgot where the “safe” place was…..This usually ends up bad; as I then tear the house apart trying to find what I was looking for, only to end up with a mess to clean up when I finally remember where it was afterwards.  I have often joked that  memory is part of a woman’s umbilical cord….with every child, you cut a little more away…(Thank goodness I am not like my grandmother who had 18 children!!)
There must be a switch somewhere.
I have ran into people who don’t seam to be using their brains at all….I often have heard the saying “Which line were you in when God was passing out the Brains?”….”Oh look a line, let’s get in it! I love train rides.”
You have your people who do dumb things that seam like fun, the fun things that end up being dumb and the things that are neither fun or safe and are just plain stupid.
Then there is the person behind the wheel of a car that has no clue…They don’t care what the sign says, what color the light is or who has the right of way…They just focus on getting somewhere in a hurry…Often times they fly past you only to be right beside you at the next light.  Or they don’t bother stopping for red lights or stop signs which usually ends up with a lot of screeching brakes from other drivers and people doing “police-like” maneuvers to keep from sending their cars to the great scrap yard in the sky.  These people definitely forgot to turn the switch back on.  Or maybe they have a remote switch and the batteries died….
Well, now that I’ve spent this much time thinking about something we don’t have yet, I think I’ll turn off my switch and go to sleep….If I can just remember where I put the remote to the TV….
Hugs and Love to all!!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Lost Friendships

A long time ago, I had a very good friend…

We met in second grade and we were inseparable all through elementary school.  We had so much in common.  We were kind of the outcasts.  We weren’t pretty or popular, but we made friends easily with others.  And we loved horses. We even played like we owned horses; naming each one and even making pedigrees for them.

We went to the same church.  We were in the choir and Youth Ministry together.  We were in Job’s Daughter (a Masonic group for young girls based on the book of JOB)  together.

HQ (Not me, but what the Queen would look like)

We went on trips and saw Natural Bridge; short-sheeted beds, and once we were even blamed for putting dish soap in a motel fountain….but thank goodness our group didn’t do that!

We went to the library, the Mall and the beach together.  If you saw one of us, the other was right there, too. We went to Triple R Ranch together on Saturdays. We went to summer playground together at the school.

We went to the same High school together.  Back then, there were only 2 levels of school.  You went to Elementary school through the 7th grade, then High school from 8th through 12th grades.

We were kind of goofy. We would look at the cute guys and wish, but we could never talk to the ones we liked.  We would follow them, find out where they lived and walk past their house.  I guess nowadays, you would call that “Stalking”.  But we never did anything but look and hope they would notice us.

We were the wall flowers at the dances…unless it was “everyone on the dance floor”.  During the summers, we hung out at the Snack bar at the beach or the “Fooze Ball” hall. 


Man, we could play some fooze ball!  I loved to stand on one foot, stork like and “whip” anyone who would challenge me.

She joined the marching band; but I tried out for the Drill team just to be with her.  We had several other new friends from High school that always hung out together with us.  All summer, we practiced on the fields and hung out at Hardees, where all of us would go for lunch.  During the week we had practices.  Every Friday night was Football games.  There were trips and parades.

She was the first one to “chase” boys and have a “boyfriend”.  Later, when a cute typical “Bad” boy moved in next door, I found one, too. But I was the first one to get married.

And that’s when things changed….I moved with my husband and young son the year we were supposed to graduate together.  Later when my marriage broke up and I moved home, we started hanging out together again.  This time we were older, and we’d go to the bars…Chasing men…We were “groupies” of sort for a band called “Filthy McNasty and the Magical Mystery Band”.  After the bars closed, we go to breakfast or cruise the strip at the beach. 

And then she met her future husband.  The funny thing was, we already knew his Aunt from the restaurant where I worked. And then we started growing apart.  She hung out more with him, and didn’t have time for me anymore.  Her “best friend” became a girl we had met in High School. 

Her father died the summer before she married.  As a wedding present, I paid for her wedding photographer.  I didn’t get to go to her shower as I was working to support my 2 children.  And I felt a twinge of jealousy when she chose the other girl as her “Maid of Honor”.  How could she when we had known each other for over 10 years, and she had known this girl barely 5??  Instead, I was a bridesmaid…in a dress I had to pay for and couldn’t stand to look at.  And I caught the bouquet.

She never gave me a wedding present….for either of my marriages….no baby present for my 4 children.  Her husband and her decided pets were easier to raise than children; and so thy have none.

She called once, and we went out together for a ride.  She had heard an ex boyfriend worked in a hardware store and wanted to check him out again…

She’s been married 32 years now…I’ve been married 31….She lost not only both of his parents and his Aunt, but both of her parents as well.. It shocked me when I learned that her mother had lay in bed in her own home alone dead with only the dog there for 4 days.  My girlfriend lived no more than 2 miles away from her mother, but they didn’t even talk every day on the phone. Her family had always been like that….very private and each of the 4 of them had their own “domain” in the house where they retreated to between meals. She now lives in her childhood home.  Between selling the house they had bought as a couple and inheritance from 3 sides, they are part of the “well to do” families we could never be a part of as children.

I miss her friendship.

Thank goodness over the internet, I have been able to make more friends.

Hugs and Love to all!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Just go to bed

Years ago, when my middle son was learning to read, we bought ALOT of books.  This was one of them.  We would go to the store twice a month on paydays and stop by the book section to buy him 1 or 2 books to read.  Usually he had them read before we even reached the cashier.  But I didn’t mind.  I still have those books packed away somewhere. My Grandchildren even pulled them out to read.
I have really been missing the grandchildren the past few days.  I guess it’s because I would look forward to Fridays to shop for them…then time to pick them up and then look forward to spending the weekends with them….I would look forward to the summer when they would spend sometimes weeks with me.  And I looked forward to football season to watch them practice and play their games.
Now I look forward to getting an e-mail.  Perhaps a message on Facebook…or a text once my phones are turned back on. 
I realize it’s summer, and they live near the beach, and have things to do like get used to a new home, a new town, a new school and new friends to make.  But I feel left out somehow. Is that wrong of me??
Every day I have to drag myself out of bed.  I go through the motions of everyday life; let the dogs out, feed and water them, go to the bathroom, turn on the computer, make a pot of coffee and wash any dishes in the sink.  The men in my house seem to delight in seeing just how far they can fill the sink up after I have already gone upstairs to bed.
Days like these don’t help my mood any.  In the Words of a favorite “Winnie the Pooh Song”;
A Rather Blustery Day
Oh the wind is lashing lusterly
And the trees are thrashing thrusterly
And the leaves are rustling gusterly
So it's rather safe to say
That it seems that it may turn out to be
It feels that it will undoubteadly
Looks like a rather blustery day today
What did I do before grandchildren?   Before children???  What did I look forward to??  How did I occupy my mind and my time?
That seems like forever ago.. After all, for 20 years, I have been shopping for and pampering Grandchildren.  And for 17 years before that, for my own children…Have I really been  a mother for 37 years??  Where did the time go?
So it’s no wonder, right now I feel like “Winnie the Pooh”; with the temperament of my favorite character, Eeyore.
Little Black Rain Cloud
I'm just a little black rain cloud
Hovering under the honey tree
I'm only a little black rain cloud
Pay no attention to little me
Ev'ryone knows that a rain cloud
Never eats honey, no, not a nip
I'm just floating around over the ground
Wondering where I will drip
I need to find my niche in life. It’s obvious that now I need a reason to get out of bed….besides the mundane every day housework.  I need to find a reason to bound down the stairs with some semblance of energy and happiness.  I have tried endlessly to find a job, some sort of work for pay to keep me busy; but no where is there a place that wants a 50+ woman with more skills than a teenager. I’m “Over qualified”.
If the rain would quit outside, and the sadness inside would dry up; maybe I could remember what used to make me happy before children and I could go on with my daily life somewhat happy.
I knit, I play on the computer, I watch TV, I garden….But at the end of it all, I’m alone and sad.  I wish I could crawl right into the photos I cherish and hug my grandchildren…..and never let them go.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

On Daily Blogging

With nothing to do without my grandchildren around to pamper, I have taken to trying to write a daily blog.  Some have come to me as I lie in bed trying to sleep- others just flow out as I sit at the keyboard.I start with an idea…Some of them require more work…Sometimes a little research for a date or a photo..while other come straight from the heart.
Remember when you were growing up and “every” girl kept a diary??  Back then, they were small books with a key where we wrote our most private secret thoughts…then hid the book where no one (except maybe our Mom when she was cleaning our room or changing the bed linens) knew where it was.
diary with key
Oh the things we would write….
There’s a cute boy in my class. I wonder if he notices me.”
My parents are so mean!! They won’t let me wear make-up like the other girls at school!”
My brother is a real pain…And nothing he does is ever wrong”
“My teacher is so stupid.”
And then we’d add our own little art work…hearts and smiles, flowers and animals….Back in the day before stickers….
Arabian_horse_head_sketh_by_spill_milk 4355898_5515dab3d9 heart KroySquare FlowersDragonfly-1
When we were in school, it was called a journal.  Sometimes we were given a title or a subject to write about…
“How I spent my summer Vacation”
when I grow up, I want to be….”
But these were a little less private…after all, we knew our teachers would collect them and read them. If we were lucky, we’d get them back without the dreaded red pen marks of corrected spelling or grammar or the “Did Not Follow Topic….You can do better”
And now as adults, we write “Blogs”.
Only now we share them with others all over the world.  We invite comments.  We console each other in times of sadness, depression and anger.  We laugh with each other, at each other or even cry with each other. We share photos, jokes and sometimes even “Spread Madness” with each other.
And I wouldn’t change a thing.
I really enjoy sharing with everyone.
I have met some wonderful people, now friends, all over the world, through Windows Live Spaces, Facebook and now these blog pages.. I have viewed life through the eyes of others. And I think we can all say we share so much of our lives that we “know” each other as if we have always been friends.
Thank-You my friends! I say that proudly as I consider each of you a dear friend.
Hugs and Love to all!!


Friday, June 17, 2011

To My Daughter

I wish I could tell you how proud I am of you…..
How much I love you.
I’m so sorry that words have come between us.
You have always been so much a part of my life; and I miss you
You are more than just a daughter to me. You are my best friend.
You helped me get through so many difficult things throughout my life.
You cheered me up when no one else could.
You made me laugh when I wanted to cry.

You gave me 4 very precious grandchildren.
And you raised them with little help from their fathers.
For 19 years, they have been a very big part of my life….
From the moment they were born, I was there with you.
Birthdays, Holidays, Vacations, School, Sports,
and so far, one graduation.
I have thousands of photographs,
and a million more memories-
but I don’t have you-
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect you would shut me completely out of your life for so long.
If I could turn back the hands of time,
I would take back all the hurtful things we said or done to each other.
And never let those things happen again.
Some day,
I hope you can forgive me and forget the past.
And you will allow me back in your life.
Until then,
I hope you know that I am so proud of the woman you have become…
Beautiful, Smart and Independent,
and a wonderful mother.

Maybe one day,
we can be friends again.
Until then
I love you!
and I miss you.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Father’s Day….For my Dad

Any Man can be a father,

But it takes someone special to be a dad”

me and dad

My Dad was that special man.

My Dad had a nick name for me; a “pet” name if you will….”Sweet bird”

For the first 11 years of my life, my Dad was in the Navy.  I don’t remember him ever being gone to sea, but I do know there were many deployments during his 27 year career. My mother never drove a car, so if we ever went to the ship’s departure or arrival, I don’t remember it.

But we had many Holiday dinners aboard ships.  My dad was a “Commissary man”; commonly know as the ship’s cooks.  After he retired they were referred to as “Mess Specialists” and now they are called “Culinary Specialists”. Every year at Christmas, the families were treated to a feast of a meal which included all the Turkey, ham and trimmings as well as nuts and hard candies.  The MWR or Morale Welfare and Recreation Department, provided presents for the children and a Santa to pass them out.  The ship was always decorated with Christmas trees and other lights and decorations as well.

I was a pure Tom boy growing up.  I would rather have cowboy hats, 6-shooters and cowboy boots than a doll.  The last present I received on a ship was a “Fort Apache” cowboy and Indian set.  Don’t get me wrong!  I did have dolls.  My Dad would bring back dolls from the countries he traveled to and they would sit on my dresser.  Pretty, frilly dolls with lacey hats and dresses and curled hair.

My dad always told me that if someone was bigger than I was, Pick up something to hit them with if they were picking on me.

My Dad would take my mother to the bar for a few beers and come  home “3 sheets to the wind” and sing….  “Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra”, “Oh Danny Boy”, “Me and My Shadow” or turn on the old reel-to reel tape player of songs…Like “Barnacle Bill the Sailor”.  He had us kids recite

“Home is the hunter,

Home from the Hills

Home is the Sailor

Home from the Sea.”

My Dad always made sure I had a birthday cake for my birthday, even though it was so close after Christmas.  The last cake my Dad bought for me was in 1979….I was 23 and getting ready to get married for the second time….to a Sailor.

As a toddler, before I started school, we lived in a  2 bedroom mobile home. The hall went through the kitchen and bathroom; placing the toilet and sink on one side and the tub on the other.  My parents room was in the front of the trailer, then the living room and our room was in the back.  My Dad mounted the TV on a shelf up high out of the reach of little fingers.  I remember sitting on the couch opposite the TV watching “Captain Kangaroo”, “Poop Deck Pappy”, “Gun Smoke”, “Have Guns will travel” and “The Green Hornet”.  Often times I either sat on my Dad’s lap when he was home, or on his big belly.

When we were young, we would go on vacation to my Dad’s hometown of Wellston, Ohio to visit his family.  I always was allowed to stay with my Aunt Erma, my Dad’s oldest sister who had horses.   I visited with my grandparents and remember well the sliding down the banisters, my grandfather’s spittoon, the old ringer washer, but most of all my Grandmother’s homemade apple butter, she stored in the cold cellar out back.  My Grandfather had chickens he had named and they would strut when called, he had a black horse named “Blackie who chewed tobacco, and a massive vegetable garden with the best tasting tomatoes and cabbage.  They had a swing set in the back yard right across the sidewalk from the garden.  We would swing high, jump off into the garden, grab a tomato or a cabbage leaf and eat it (Heaven forbid) without even washing it off….All while Grandma was watching from her Kitchen window above the sink.  I know that is where my Dad and his younger brother Paul learned their cooking skills…from their Mom and my Grandmother.


My Dad knew me better than anyone.  In past blogs I have talked about all the sacrifices my Dad made for the 6 of us kids.  He managed to find the money to pay for me to go to a Western ranch on Saturdays during the school year for over 2 years.  At first I just went half a day on Saturdays.  Then it was all day Saturday, and towards the end, I was spending Friday nights in the bunk house with a dozen or so others, caring for the horses and preparing them for the riders on Saturdays….Leaving late Saturday evening for home, happy and worn out.  He scraped up the money to board a pony my Aunt brought us one summer when she asked me what I wanted…My Aunt actually brought 2 ponies but Dad had worked out a plan with the man who kept our ponies to swap some board for the Filly.


We had many, many dogs over the years…we’d bring one home and Mom always said no, but Dad always said yes…Sometimes, even he would be the one bringing them home. The saying was if it ate, or pooped  we couldn’t have it….but we always had a dog.

My Dad was always working.  He worked as a Butcher in a grocery store when he retired from the Navy for awhile but did not like the standards of the company.  He thought they were lax and dangerous. He worked as a Bartender for 2 local bars; “The Casino” and “Allen’s Grill”; both in Chic’s Beach close to where we lived. 

Dad tending Bar

He worked at the Shore Drive Inn Theater; at night as a watchmen wandering the rows of cars and running the children’s train in front of the screen before the movie began….In the mornings with my brothers and I he would pick up the trash left behind and clean the office and bathrooms. It was a family affair.  My mom worked in the ticket box, my brother and I worked in the Snack Bar when we were old enough.  He set fishing nets and crab pots in the bay.  And we had a lawn care business where my dad would take my bothers and I and a whole truck load of lawn mowers around to cut grass all day on the weekends and all week during the summers. It’s hard for me to think about this now, but all those places my Dad worked are now gone; the ships long retired.  Even all the places I worked when I was young are gone.

Even though my Dad brought home less than $700 a month in pay, we never went hungry, or without anything we needed.  The mortgage and bills were always aid on time, there was always food in the cupboards, refrigerator and on the table.  Even Donuts, Ice Cream and  bananas….which sometimes almost didn’t make it home from the stores with children eating them in the back of the car as he drove home.

My Dad was  always there for me.  When my first marriage broke up, he drove all the way to Marquette, Michigan to pick my son and I , and all our belongings up to move back in with them. I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter.  When I went into labor, he told me to call an ambulance because he and Mom were at a friend’s home and he didn’t think he could get there in time….I wanted to wait for him…..until the ambulance he had called showed up.

grandkids my oldest and Chip’s oldest

My Dad was so proud of all his grandchildren.  And sometimes, I think he was on the verge of having a heart attack when my children pulled some of their stunts….My son going into the back yard with a baggie collecting grass clippings and telling my Dad he had a bag of “Grass” (pot, marijuana)…My daughter climbing trees, fences, bunk beds flipping off the top and the wrought Iron Railing on the back porch to get on the roof….

And my Dad loved all of his great-grandchildren.  Growing up in the 60’s, you just didn’t have black friends if you were white.  But I did….and Dad was shocked when I brought one home once.  But he approved of most of my friends .  He did not judge my Daughter for having 3 mixed race children…They were his Pride and Joy….and you’d better not mess with them or miss-treat them.

The last time I saw my Dad, my Daughter , her family and I went to Virginia in 2003 for Father’s day….June 15th.  I took my Dad a T-shirt that had one of those saying about being a grandpa….By this time, my Dad was spending more and more time in his room sleeping and only venturing out as far as the bathroom or the kitchen table.  We went in to say Hello as soon as we got there and he hugged each one. While home for the week or two we were there, I washed his hair, combed and cut it, trimmed his beard and his toe nails.  His skin was so thin that his toes bled when I held them.  When he was awake, he wanted to know where “His Kids” (the great grand kids)  were.  I told him I had spoke with his brother Sonny, and they were planning a trip to see him the next month….He said “I won’t be here”.  He had no other explanation than that.  And I didn’t push it except to ask where he would be…and got the same answer again.

Not more than 2 weeks later I was back in Ohio where I live watching the “4th of July” fireworks display at the Fairgrounds 2 blocks from my house.  They were playing a “Salute to the Military”,  playing all the different branch songs. For no apparent reason, when they played “Anchors Aweigh”, the tears would not stop running from my eyes. 

I walked home from the fairgrounds and no sooner walked in the front door of my apartment when the phone rang…It was my Mom…My Dad had died in the nursing home where he had been taken 2 days earlier that very day….How fitting for a man who spent so much of his life in the service of his country to die on such an important date in our country’s history. I cried so hard I couldn’t dial the phone to tell my oldest son the news….My Daughter took over.  And the next day once again we all loaded into her vehicle and headed “Home”.  I brought the T-shirt I had bought him and he had worn so proudly home with me.

I miss my Dad every day.  In January 2008 something happened to remind me that Dad would always watch over me….I had a house fire in the place I was renting. Thanks to a neighbor who woke us up, my middle son, my oldest grandson and I all escaped without major injuries. There we stood in the snow on a cold January morning as all around us a flurry of activity of people helping us. I couldn’t think when asked where my husband and other son was….my youngest was at a “Cub Scout Training”, my husband at work.  My middle son had some minor burns and smoke inhalation as did I.  The firefighters and my neighbors recued all of our animals one by one….the only casualty being a parakeet.

But more importantly, none of my precious Family photos were touched!!  A picture of my Dad as a boy sat not more than 2 feet from the kitchen that was completely destroyed, but not even the glass broke.  On the computer stand, the printer was melted down to half it’s size, but beside it in a plastic recycled frame was another photo of my Dad….untouched.

Looking through those photos, I have very few with my Dad and I together.  As I grew up, I was the one taking the photos…never in them.

Perhaps the thing that made me realize the most that my Dad was watching over me was this Glass ornament of Angels sitting on a lighted base that my Mother had given me….for 3 days, it would come on and light for a few minutes, then go back off….It still works today.

angel 001

This Sunday is Father’s Day…..8 Years have passed since my Dad died.

I will Always remember my Dad….And I miss him so much….

I love you Dad!! Thanks for always watching over us….




Now that’s just annoying!!

Now if I was trying to take a nap right now I would be really peeved!  For the last hour, the same dog has been barking his fool head off.  I mean constant barking!  Not the “Yap, Yap” and quite I mean “Bark, Bark, Bark, Bark Bark” over and over and over!

I know just which dog it is, too.  My former Land Lady, who lives caddy corner across the back alley from us adopted a Rottweiler from another neighbor who was taking very good care of it.  The dog was skinny and under nourished; and this woman has a tendency to over feed her dogs after getting them spade and neutered. Once my son and I had to crawl on the ground to get her dog out from under her pick up truck where she had managed to wedge herself tightly.  Another aging dog required 3 people to lift her up when she could no longer walk and had to be put to sleep.

When I lived in her duplex, I begged to replace a rickety wire fence piece with chain link to match the other 3 sides of the yard…And even offered to pay for it!  But she would not allow me to do it.  After the fire and we moved in permanently in my mother-in-law’s duplex, the former land lady installed Privacy fencing around the entire property!! (what a witch!)

Anyway, now she opens her back porch door and lets this new adoptee out in the back yard….And since it can not see what is going on, it just barks constantly at everything!!

I have 4 dogs…Actually 2 dogs are my son’s dogs; “Vicious” pit bulls who would sooner lick you to death than scratch their own fleas, my Shih-Tzu and my husband’s Chihuahua.

My son’s dogs prefer to be outside unless it is raining or very hot.  The female is the “Talker”.  If she is trying to get the attention of a child she wants to pet her or the puppy next door to play with her, she will “yip” for a few minutes until told to shut up. I also consider her to be “A.D.D.”…as she is over 5 years old, still has not out grown her puppy stage, and has a hard time focusing her attention for long on commands.  I don’t allow any of my dogs to bark for more than a few warning minutes…If they are alerting me to someone at the door, or in/near our yard.  Then they are made to lie down and be quiet.  The exception is when the mail lady comes as they are given dog bones and will bark at her for several minutes as she passes.

So this excessive barking from another dog is very annoying.  I wouldn’t want to live next to a dog who did this.

Another annoying habit about some dog owners is when they take their dogs for a walk to do their “business” on someone else’s lawn.  I would be very irritated if I didn’t own an animal and stepped in “Poop” when I walked out in my yard to cut grass or get the paper!  Several people in our neighborhood walk their dogs up and down the street or over to the school or fairgrounds to “relieve” themselves.  Very few of the owners carry a bag to dispose of the waste.  A nearby park has a “Doggy Waste Station” that provides bags and a can to dispose of any droppings.  Apparently, one of my neighbors has reached his breaking point.  He has placed a hand made sign in his yard that says “Please take your dog dropping with you.”

My theory is, if you own animals, you must take responsibility for them.  Nothing worse than being woke up by a howling cat in heat, a cat fight or a dog that barks for hours on end.

Hugs and Love to all!!


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Dreams should last forever.

This could be our last goodnight together
We may never pass this way again
Just let me enjoy 'till its over
Or forever
Please don't tell me how the story ends
See the way our shadows come together
Softer than your fingers on my skin
Someday this may be all
That we'll remember
Of each other
Please don't tell me how the story ends
Never's just the echo of forever
Lonesome as the love that might have been
Just let me go on loving and believing
'Till it's over

Those are the words from a Ronnie Milsap song from my past.  But they echo in my head today.

I have been going to bed pretty early since the grandchildren have moved away.  There just doesn’t seem to be any reason to stay awake anymore.  There is no one to talk to, no one to care for, no visitors to entertain….Rather than let the sadness overcome me, I go to bed to sleep, to dream.

The other day I found myself wishing I could go to sleep and dream forever, never to awaken again. There would be no one to miss me, no one who would care if I was gone.

But I sleep and dream.

The dream I had was a wonderful dream.  My grandchildren were with me again.  I could feel the touch of their hands. I could smell their hair, the very scent of them near me.  I could feel their warm arms around me, hear the sounds their voices, see their smiles, hear their laughter… I wanted the dream to go on forever.  I didn’t want to ever wake up.

But alas; it was only a dream.  I awoke with a smile only to turn over and find the emptiness in my bed. The reality set in only too quickly. 

I went to the computer to check my e-mail, and my Facebook.  But the only words I read were harsh words from my grand-daughter because her phone was turned off.  After having to pay for a moving truck and a storage shed, I had to cut back on the amount I paid on the phones; and the company refuses to work with me.  So until I can come up with the money, the service is suspended.  I feel bad enough as it is.  I realize that as a teenager, the cell phone is her only contact with her friends here.  But as I learned later, she does have internet service and can use skype to contact them.

I wish I had enough money that I didn’t have to live week to week. I wish I had money saved away in a bank account somewhere….I wish I could buy them everything their hearts desired.

But money doesn’t buy love. 

Although it seems in some instances, lack of money is a reason to with hold love.

“To sleep: perchance to dream”

Hugs and Love to all my dear friends who lift me up when the sadness overcomes me.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Letting Go

We spend much of our lives letting go without thinking much about it.

As a baby, our first experience of “letting go” is letting go of the furniture to take our first steps. Our parents watch with baited breath as we stand there without holding on waiting for us to take those first un-assisted steps.  Little do we know, and as parents we hate to admit, we are also letting go.  Those first few steps are our new independence, and our parents first steps of letting us go.  Of course, there will be stumbles and falls, “boo-boos” that will need kissing, bumps, bruises and sore bums.  Before we know it, we are off on our own running.

Our next experience of letting go will be the first day of school.  No longer will we have long days of play, naps when we get tired and unlimited time with parents or grandparents. Our parents will walk us to the bus and watch as we get on and the doors close, trying to hold back the tears. Or maybe our parents went so far as to drive or walk us to school on the first day.  Then they will watch as we enter the school or our classroom for the first time standing there much longer after the doors close than is really necessary.  Some of us will cry and some of us run in with great expectations and excitement…Not knowing we have “let go” of yet one more phase of our lives.

There will be many more times as a child or a parent that we experience letting go; First school dance, First date, First time driving, First heart break, First job, First time going somewhere without our parents, ….Maybe to camp or on a school trip.  And we don’t think about letting go of the past….It just happens.

We graduate from school, maybe go off to college, get married, have children of our own….One more thing we have let go of.

And then we let go of friends and relatives….either by choice, by moving away, or by the death of someone we know or love.  And we let go again…Sometimes we cry, other times we laugh and celebrate.  Often times, we take pictures.  But we always have those memories.

I have a hard time with “Letting go”.  I don’t remember my first steps or the first day of school.  My first experience of “Letting go” that I remember is when I had to give up something I loved doing; going to a Christian Western Riding Ranch ever Saturday. I started going there after spending a summer vacation with my Aunt who owned horses.  She would put a horse in the barn by the house and showed me how to bridle and saddle it and let me go the whole time I was there.  I’d spend hours riding; so when a girl scout leader introduced me to this Ranch, I was very excited.  I started as a beginner and went through all the classes of thing I mostly already new. After 2 years, I was spending Friday nights in the bunk house feeding and caring for the horses and preparing them for the new riders on Saturday….But alas, as things go, I had to “Let go” as really my parents were really stretching their budget to allow me to attend.  After all, they had 5 other children.

Over the years, there were more “Letting Go” experiences….I had to let go of the pony we once owned when it was clear we had out grown him.  I had to let go of being on the Drill Team at school when I went to an alternative school for 6 weeks because I was pregnant with my first child.  I let go of my graduation day when it was apparent that because of being in the alternative school, I was short credits to graduate with my class; and I was moving out of state before graduation day anyway to live with my husband who was in the Air Force….I let go of my first marriage when it was clear I was the one holding on to hope that things would work out.

And over the years, I have had to let go of a lot of the mementos from all these things.  I miss them, but I do realize that I will always have the memories. I look back and wish I had a memory box. Something where I could have tucked away things I really would love to have now.  But hind sight is 20x20….and often times we don’t think of these things until it’s too late.  Now I take photographs.  Even if I can’t have the actual, physical things, I will always have the photos of them….You know, just in case, (God Forbid) someday I lose my memory and need something to refresh it.

This past 3 years has been very trying for me.  Because of a house fire, I had to let go of some cherished things that the fire consumed…a doll from my childhood, some treasured things from my past, and the house that I was renting and really loved…What was left was packed and stored, hoping some day to be brought out once again in a new home…But I have had to Let go of that dream, too.  I had to admit to myself that I will probably never have the home I dream of.  That all of my cherished things were just too many to put in the place we now live.  Some remain in storage; but this month I have “Let go” of things that meant something to me….the only new dining room set I have ever owned and paid for myself, the dishwasher, some tables, and some of my books. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but somehow, I feel like a part of me is missing.  Something I will never have again.

And if that wasn’t enough, I had to let go of my grandchildren….Oh I still know they are there and they are very much still a part of me; but no longer will I have the time with them that I have enjoyed for the past 19 years.

There will be many more things to Let go of….I’m just not looking forward to what comes next.  I still hope that one day soon, everything will turn around for me and “the sun will come out” on what seems like a cloudy day. For now, I will take each day as it comes and try to find something positive in the little achievements.

Hugs and Love to all!