When to Give up

How do you know when it is time to give up?

I did the best I could.  My daughter’s 35th birthday was yesterday, July 27th.  As usual, I was up past midnight the night before so at 1 a.m., I sent her a text on the cell phone number I had for her wishing her a “Happy Birthday”.  I added a note saying I hope everything was okay or something like that.  I don’t remember the exact words.  But on my “Facebook” page, I posted this message:

Happy¸¸¸.•*¨*•?? Birth-day ??•*¨*•.¸¸ To ??•*¨*•.¸¸ You ??•*¨*•.¸¸... .??•*¨*•.¸

Happy¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•?? Birth-day ??•*¨*•.¸ To ¸¸¸.•*¨*•?? You ??•*¨*•.¸¸

Happy ??•*¨*•.¸¸ Birth-day ??•*¨*•.¸¸....??•*¨¨*•.¸Dear Angela ??•*¨*•.¸¸

Happy¸¸¸.•*¨*•?? Birth-day??•*¨*•.¸¸To ??•*¨*...You

To my Beautiful daughter on her 35th birthday. I hope all your dreams come true. (and I hope one of your children sees this and shows it to you)

I also posted the same message on my middle grandson’s page and asked him to make sure he showed it to her. He had texted me on Sunday or Monday and said “My momma’s birthday is sooooooon”.  I told him I knew and he asked me to send her a text.  I told him she didn’t want me in her life and probably blocked my number anyway.  After all, she has blocked me from her Facebook, Myspace and e-mail addresses. He insisted I at least try and I had planned on it anyway. 

Later in the day on the 27th, I was on my Facebook and he was sending me more messages….”Text my Mom”.  I told him I had at 1 a.m. and he went to get her phone to check.  If she got it, she had deleted it.  So I texted the message again and he said it went through and he’d make sure she saw it. 

That’s the last I heard…..

No response from either my daughter or my grandson as to what she said about it.

Later on Facebook, I posted that at least I had tried. It makes me sad that at least I am trying, and my efforts go un-noticed. One of her friends whom I know and is also on my page said “She still loves you she just has a different way of showing it” .  Funny, I don’t feel loved.

Not one word from her on Christmas, my birthday or Mother’s Day….Still blocked out of her life….the only daughter I’ll ever have.  My sons will never marry.  Two of them still live at home and neither even dates! My oldest son moved half way across the United States away from me…He doesn’t call or text.  And neither do his 3 children.  I haven’t seen his 2 boys in over 3 years.  Like his sister, no word on Christmas, my Birthday or Mother’s Day.

I called my Mom to talk to her today.  My phone never rings and the only messages are responses from Facebook posts.  I learned that my daughter plans on visiting her father in Florida.  For years, I tried to get my children to talk to their father.  He never supported them; wasn’t even around when my daughter was born, and does not remember any of his 2 children’s birthdays or 7 grandchildren’s birthdays…..But I always thought it was important for them to know him.  I have always known where he lives, I remember his birthday, our anniversary and even his Social Security number from when he was in the Air Force. My son was only 19 months old when we separated, my daughter was not even born yet.  

They finally all got together when my ex-father-in-law passed away years ago.  My son travelled there with his 2 sons, and my daughter went their with her oldest son.  My ex explained that he could not change what was in the past but the separation and divorce was his fault.  My son moved close to him and got to know him and his new family well.  But it hurt me when my son referred to his new wife as “Mom”….and didn’t acknowledge me as “Mom”.

Now it’s my daughter’s turn to hurt me more…She lives about 400 miles from them now and she will visit them and start calling Mary “Mom”….and once again I will have to endure the pain.  I was the one there for everything; and yet, I hear from my children’s friends how “bad” a parent I was.

I was so bad, I was there every birthday, every Christmas, every holiday.  I was the one changing diapers and kissing “Boo Boos”, through measles, mumps, chicken pox and hospital stays.  I was there for every grandchild’s birth (except 2 would wait until I had to go to work to come out!).  I was there for Scouts and Sports.  And they always had a place to “come home” to if they were down on their luck….children and all.  I was the one taking the pictures, when they needed a ride, or a few dollars, taking grand children to sports and school, babysitting while they worked, or went to school, or went out with friends….But I am the bad parent.

So when is it time to give up?  To try to push them from my mind and my heart?  To stop crying when I think of them and their children whom I love more than life itself?? When do I stop hoping they will love me again?….

I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I know I can’t go on like this.  I know I can’t keep hoping….Somehow, I have to find a way to go on with my life….without them.

 

Hugs and Love to all!!

And the sun Shines

I’ve been waiting for this day.

Yesterday was the first day of New Player Conditioning for the youth Football league in our town.  It brings a ray of hope; and a tinge of sadness. 

I look forward to football season.  It’s 4 months of  4 day a week practices and after the opening day, 3 days of games.  I can leave the house on Saturday at 9 a.m. and return at 6 p.m….tired, tan and had a whole day of fun watching the youth league games. 

I used to really enjoy going.  That’s because for the past 8 years or so, I have had grandsons playing.  This year will be a lot different.  My grandchildren won’t be the ones I am there to see.  I am going just to get out of the house and try to enjoy something in my life.  I have a lot of friends there….Football friends….People I know who have children who play the sport but I only see during football season. I will take pictures as I always do; but probably not as many as I have in the past. I have talked to the coaches and they want me there to help when I can. 

Yesterday I helped by going to the store to buy bottled water for 2 of the coaches and by getting weights on some of the new players as they went through their drills.  Twice I felt a little sting of tears when other coaches asked how I was holding up.  They all know I miss the grandkids….It’s that obvious.

I was really disappointed with the condition of the park.  I swear our town does not have any real Engineers working for it.  The park has always had a drainage problem when it rains.  You see it is sort of in a valley between a state highway which is the main way into and out of our town, and a river on the other side.  In the past, the parking lot has often looked like a lake.  Common sense would tell you to drain the water from the parking lot into the nearby river….But these idiots decided to “Raise” the parking lot level…..And cover it with loose rock.  Oh the parking lot “Looks” great….but the loose gravel does not make for good traction. I watched several vehicles struggling to park.  And by raising the parking lot level, where do you suppose the water runs now??  How about covering the football filed and 1 baseball diamond?? They have now effectively ruined both for regular play.  Not 1 game has been played on this diamond all season, and the football field is not going to be able to be used.  The one goal post and the Scoreboard sit in a puddle of stagnate water and thick mud.  The grass is patchy at best.  We were told that they are going to play football on what we used to practice on with no goal posts this year. 

The grass surrounding the baseball diamond has at least 2 to 3 inches of standing water.  Walking to the Port-a-Potties or the snack bar becomes an adventure in wading.  Mosquitoes are going to love the new breeding ground.

And I am told, they are not planning to fix the problem. They said they have already spent too much money on fixing the parking lot.

I enjoyed helping the coaches yesterday and watching the new players run through drills.  Then with one of the last groups, tears came to my eyes when a young boy who looked so much like my youngest grandson appeared. Even the coaches commented that he reminded them of Ty.

Thursday is Draft day; and the first practices start Monday August first….I need a new camp chair…I’ll be there with my water bottle and my spirit wear

….And hope to get messages soon from my grandsons as they start football wherever they are…..

Hugs and Love to all!

The warmth of a dream

I haven’t seen them or heard their voices in over a month.

But in my dreams, I have felt their hugs, wiped away tears and shared in their daily lives. 

I miss the grandchildren.  But they are busy living their lives.  Enjoying their summer vacation.  Going to the beach 3 blocks from their new home or playing on the video games.  They don’t have time to think about grandma.

They are thinking about the new school year coming up.  The friends they make when school starts.

My grand-daughter found 2 jobs, but when one (who only gave her 3 hours a week anyway) would not work their schedule around the other, she was fired. So she works the one job with more hours.  She thought she would really like living in Florida; but now she isn’t so sure.  All her friends are here and she has found herself missing them more each day.

I think the younger you are when you move, the easier it is for you.  Once you become a teenager, and in my grand-daughter’s case, a “social butterfly”, moving isn’t fun anymore.  It’s hard to leave your friends behind.  Harder to make new friends that you are as close to as the ones you have grown to love for their individuality, their “qwerkyness.”

And for the ones “left’ behind, it’s harder to fill the hole that’s left when someone leaves.

Mine is filled with dreams…..I will cherish the time I had…and dream

Hugs and Love to all! 

My “Big” Day out

So Friday I had big plans.

On Thursday, I went on-line to “Fandango.com” and completed an offer on “Vista Print” to get a free movie ticket to see “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II”. The offer was for a coffee mug for $1.99 with my choice of a personal photo on it.  I used a photo from my 4th of July fireworks pictures I had taken.All I had to do was select the photo, and pay for the mug and shipping to get the free ticket…about $5.  Movie tickets run between $7.50 and $9.

First I should say I have been a fan of the Harry Potter movies since a girl friend of mine introduced me to the first book when it came out. She bought the book for her grandsons, but read it first.  She liked it so much, she lent me her copy to read….Then my 2 sons read it and we were hooked.  I now have all 7 books and “Tales of the Beatlebard”; and yes I was one of those mad people who would stand in line for hours at midnight waiting for the next one to go on sale.  I have also seen all 8 movies now….and I’m a little sad at seeing them end.We all could use a little fantasy in our lives and these books and movies had it all.  After all, can’t you think of someone in your life you would love to turn into a toad or make eat slugs or “blowup”as Harry did?

My middle son has gone with me to every movie and book release.  I’m not one to go to a movie by myself, so we decided to go together to the 1:15 p.m. showing.Now this was going to have to make for some schedule changes as Fridays are usually a “run” day….run the husband to the Flea market, run to the store for groceries, run the youngest son to work, etc….I usually mow the lawn on Fridays , too but did this on Thursday evening when it was a little cooler….Temperatures in the 90s f (32c) with a heat index over 100, old age and stiff joints don’t mix well.

While mowing the lawn, my neighbor stopped me to tell me “my” fleas were jumping the fence into his yard…(Huh??) Didn’t know you could confine fleas to a single yard in the first place,  After all they do live in grass and therefore travel over vast amounts of yards…He showed me some spray he bought to use on his yard so I had my son buy a bottle along with the flea drops we use each month on our dogs.

Surprisingly, when I told my husband that if he wanted me to take him to the flea market Friday he’d have to get his butt in gear and not mope around as usual, He suggested I take him after I returned from the movie…(Let me pick myself up off the ground). And my youngest son said he’d either ride his bike or walk to work! So having settled all the transportation problems, My son and I packed 2 sodas in my oversized purse, bought candy at the Dollar Tree for the both of us and headed to the mall….What a great movie it was!  I had my doubts if I would enjoy it when a woman with at least 6 kids sat behind us and they talked all through the previews…(After all, the movie theater was less than 1/10 of the way full and they chose to sit directly behind us!!)

After the Movie, I went home and sprayed the yard down with water first as the instructions on the Flea spray said to do.  Then you let that soak for an hour or two before treating….So by the time I got back from the flea market run and the store run, the yard was ready for step 2.  My neighbors wife said the bottle is for 8000 square yards, but she ran out about half way through her front yard, not even getting to the back…Don’t know how she did it, but I covered my entire backyard twice with one bottle and still had enough for our front yard.

Next step, wash the dogs since they could not be out in the yard until it was completely dry.  I fooled the dogs by putting a leash on them and leading them to the tub where they both in turn got a flea bath (and gave me one shaking the water off!). Since I have white dogs, they  have to be completely dry before allowing them outside (to roll in the dirt). So we then snapped leashes on the 2 and I took them for a long walk to the Fairgrounds.  We were there for some time as one man passed by us 3 times in his walk around. I must have been gone too long as my youngest son was home and walking towards us as we approached our street on the way home….Our female dog, even though she is the younger of the 2, was slowing down to almost a crawl….I guess I wore her out.The male was still zig-zagging from side to side to sniff every inch for strange smells.

Now I am tired and ready for a shower. 

Saturday, I put the flea drops on them before letting them outside….to roll in dirt and look like they had never been bathed.

But I was outside for over 5 hours that day!

Hugs and Love to all!!!

Hiding out

Just too hot out here!  So I’ve been hiding out….Can you see me?

How about now???

The Beauty of Friendship

Years ago, friends were people you knew from the neighborhood or from school.  That was before personal computers and the internet.

Now we can go on-line and meet people from all over the world.  And I have been blessed to meet so many new people whom I can now call friends.  It’s like I knew them forever! 

I started off with people I met on Windows Live Spaces with some of my older brother’s friends who started following my blogs there.  Then it snow-balled and met lots of new people who then became close friends of mine.

We read each other’s blogs, we laughed together, cried together and conspired with each other.

Then Windows got stupid….They did away with the Live Space blogs….and now if we want to blog, we have to find another means.  Some of us have chosen “Wordpress”, others use “Blogger”….and some of our friends have done away with blogging all together.  We use Facebook to keep up on every day things now.

Thank-goodness that I still have most of these precious friends!

I love every one of you and I am so glad we met….

To each and every one of you, thanks for being there whenever I need a friend, for a shoulder to cry on, for your support and uplifting words….You are very important to me and I’m so glad you call me friend, too.

Hugs and Love to each and everyone of you!

And if you know some of our friends from Windows Live Spaces that I have missed, please suggest their new blogs so we can re-connect!

 

(Whooo! Thank-goodness I figured out how to download Windows Live writer on this dinosaur!)

Things that make you say Hmmmmm

Every year, twice a year, our little town has a big parade. July 4th and mid November for the annual Christmas parade, groups come from all over to be in the parade.

Scouts, Churches, businesses (like Pizza shops, Ice cream shops, even Old Navy, Wal-Mart and Kroger), police/fire/rescue units, Service groups, the Library and Floats of all shapes and sizes.  Dance groups, Gymnasts, Boxing, Fair queens and Politicians. Marching Bands, Rest homes, hospital and Care facilities, “Meals-on-Wheels”, Antique cars, Antique Tractors, Horses, Long Horn Cows and dogs.Veterans, and Antique Military Vehicles…..You can see them all.  

Sometimes we are lucky enough to have the Columbus Zoo bring a few animals.

July 4th we usually have 1 or 2 big attractions.  This year we had the Marine Corps Marching Band.  We also get a Civil War Re-encampment group….both Union and Confederates that usually set up a weekend camp at a nearby Park.

We have had some nice size parades in the past where our Parade ran well over 2 hours. The children and families line the parade route to get Candy, freeze pops, snack cakes, coupons for Pizza and Ice cream, flags and Beads thrown or passed out by walkers all along the route.  Even the local Donut shop makes a pass and gives out donuts. 

The Parade always takes the same route.  It starts at the Fairgrounds, travels down North Columbus street to Main Street where a block later it makes a left hand turn and travels back to the Fairgrounds down Broad Street. The streets I have lived on since moving here have given me an advantage.  I live 1 block from the fairgrounds, in the middle of the parade route.  I can see the beginning of the parade all the way through, then walk to the other end of the street and watch the last half or so all the way through a second time.

It always seems to amaze me the number of people who leave one side in their cars, turn left and end up being blocked on the end of the street by the parade which is still going on…Every Parade it happens.  People who have lived here all their lives still seam to think if they go down the street away from one end of the parade, they can get out on the other side…Maybe if they had turned right, they could have. 

Our street is a one way street…Today a bicycle Policeman rode down our street the wrong way to direct traffic that was backing down to the alley to get out…He was heard saying “I don’t know what they were thinking”.  Some sneak down the street and break into the parade to get out…Pretty dangerous when you think of all the children walking out to get candy….

I take my my camera every year.  I usually come home with hundreds of pictures.  This year, I wasn’t really excited about it.  Usually I have several grandchildren along.  This year, It was just my mother-in-law; and some of my neighbors who have moved in this past year. 

I only took 48 photos.

I haven’t decided yet if I am going over to the Fairgrounds this evening to watch the fireworks…I may go over and take my camera to see if I can get some good shots.  With the grandkids gone, it just doesn’t seem that exciting to me anymore.

Hugs and Love to all! 

Woooo! Am I ever Glad!

I am so glad I don’t live any closer to my mother’s house than I do.

Don’t get me wrong!  I would love to be able to see my mother every day and visit with her whenever I wanted to; but there is one really big thing wrong with her home….DRAMA!!! And I mean every day, too much drama.

First of all, I have 2 brothers still living there.  They have both been to jail more times than I would care to even remember.  They both use drugs and drink.  Neither of them have a driver’s license but still drive.  And they fight like a bunch of wild animals!  For years they have fought and argued.  Many times the police were called and my mother’s home is considered a violent one.  by law enforcement

My middle brother, being a convicted felon, is not supposed to be around or own a gun. He doesn’t own any, but he lives in my mother’s home, where the youngest brother owns several guns.

The youngest brother has been married several times. (well, at least twice)  Both times he has come out of the marriages with more money than he’s had his whole life from any legal, gainful employment.  And both times he has spent the money foolishly.  The first time I think it took him less than 6 months to blow through the money.  He’s trying hard to do it again.  He has several guns…and when he gets mad about something, he threatens to shoot whomever he’s mad at.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in our Constitution, and I believe people have the right to own and bear arms.  Some people take it to the extreme….as in my oldest and youngest brother.  Neither live in extremely dangerous places.  My oldest lives in a rural county, and does not hunt for food.  And the youngest brother just doesn’t have any reason to own  gun except that he can and my oldest brother does…His wife is under 5 feet tall,maybe 100 pounds soaking wet, (or there about) and over 60 years old. I don’t care how many times you have practiced with a gun; when confronted by someone who is over a foot taller and maybe 2 or 3 hundred pounds heavier than you; you CAN be overpowered even with a gun even if you are the one who owns it!!

There may be some places where it may being important to own a gun.  And I am all for that.  But too many times I have read of instances where people have had their own guns taken from them and used against them.  I have read of young children and teenagers who have found their parents guns and shot people accidently with them.  Nothing is more tragic than reading about a 10 year old who accidently shot his baby sister.  And I have read many times how silly arguments among teenagers and neighbors have ended up in someone being shot; either wounding them or killing someone.

“AMARILLO -- As of Friday morning, the 22-month old girl who was shot Thursday night is listed in extremely critical condition. Police say the gun was fired by one of the girl's two brothers. Because he is less than 10 years old, the child is not criminally responsible.”

“Telferner, Texas--  A 4-year-old boy , is dead after his 5-year-old sibling shot him while playing with a bolt-action rifle in their home on Wednesday. Their parents were home at the time, although not directly supervising their kids at the moment the shooting occurred.”

“Chicago, ILLINOIS--A Chicago family is in mourning, as one of a set of five-year-old twins suffered a fatal gunshot wound to the abdomen at the hands of his brother. Five-year-old Jonathan and his twin brother had just been given their baths and were playing in their room, about to settle down for the night before their first day in kindergarten.“They were in the house playing cops and robbers and found the little gun,” said an aunt of the twins.”

“An argument between two friends on Facebook has led to a teenager shot dead and two people facing murder charges.Alysha Tann, 19, was shot to death in Texas over the weekend after an online feud with her friend Nikki Bogan, 18.”

First of all, if you do own a gun, I see no earthly reason why you should go about bragging about owning one.  If you own one for protection, I think it would be 100% better if you go through all the proper channels, get a concealed carry permit and practice with it as often as you can.  But don’t go about bragging about the type of gun, the size of it’s shells or the size hole it could leave in someone.  You are just inviting someone to break into your house while you are away or heaven forbid asleep and take the guns by force. And for god’s sake, don’t sleep with it under your mattress or pillow!!! It should be kept in a safe place. 

If you have a hunting gun, then you may be using it to boost your food stores, and there is a limit in most places on the amount of game you can take.  Here where I live, some of the hunters go out and get their limit, keep what they can use for their family and donate the rest of the meat to food pantries.  And to me this is Okay.  Some species of animals will get over run in population if they are not thinned out every year or so.  But if you don’t hunt, why own a hunting rifle??  So you can target shoot??? Don’t they have places where you can go to do that sport and rent rifles?? I know they do!!

I have 2 adult suns who live at home. They both have owned hand guns and cross bows.  They never bragged to anyone about them, never threatened to shoot anyone, and kept their guns and ammo under lock and key at all times well hidden.  NO one but us knew they had them.  Most of the time, I even forgot they were there.  When my middle son got out of the Navy and had no further use for the gun, he sold it.  After all, that was why he had bought it to begin with, for the military use.

I have spent the past several days fielding phone calls from the middle brother.  My oldest brother and family were visiting Mom last month and she had to go to court over some cars the middle brother insists upon working on in a residential neighborhood'; which is not allowed.  My mother, being the property owner is responsible for what goes on in her home and yard.  I won’t get into details, but “supposedly” she was told to evict the middle brother.  She admits that she could not hear and did not understand much of what the judge said, and I wasn’t there so I won’t speculate on what really happened.  But growing up, I do remember my father telling us that as long as there was a house, we would always have somewhere to live. 

My nephew also lives there.  His mother (my middle sister) left him and his brother with my mom when they were 8 or so.  She lives nearby, but she talks a mile a minute and like my oldest brother, “invents” things that never happened. Last week he had a friend over with a convertible that he had borrowed.  Some words were exchanged by several boys riding past when they were outside that resulted in a fire bomb being thrown into the opened roof of the car and it being burned down to the frame….in front of my mother’s home….

For these reasons, there is too much Drama in my mother’s home for me to want to go back there, even for a vacation, unless the guns were gone and I had a car to escape in when the Drama starts.

I’d rather be at home….where I can hear all the Drama but not be a part of it!

Hugs and Love to all!!!