Tuesday, March 29, 2011

As I walk through life

March walk 001

 Spring is trying to make sure we know that is here, despite the snow in the forecast.  For a few days, we were able to turn off the heat and even open windows when the temperature outside was higher than those numbers on the thermostat…

All over town, the buds have started to brave the weather and peak out to brighten spirits.


March walk 002

As I walked the 2 miles to pick up my grandson with my constant companion, my Shih-Tzu Dusty, I carried my camera to catch a few of the sites for you. 

March walk 003

In one weekend, I have walked 8 miles. Friday I walked the 2 miles to pick up my grandson, and together we walked the 2 miles back to my house, chatting along the way.  On Sunday, My middle son made the round trip with me, as we walked my grandson home and back.

My oldest grandson stopped in for a visit on Monday after he played a few rounds of Disc Golf.  We talked about his weekend Army Reserve meeting where he returned to the base where he did his Basic Training…..And we talked of other things, too…Girl problems, moving, family….It’s nice to have them nearby to visit when they can….

Most of my days and nights, I spend in my room; except for the time that I am on the computer…Suffice it to say, I spend about 20 hours in my room every day….Lately, I have been spending more time sleeping, and knitting while watching TV. 

matching sets (2)

Often times, I don’t even change out of my sleep clothes.  There’s no need to.  I don’t have anywhere to go, and as a general rule, no one comes to see me.  I don’t have any friends here.  The “relatives” we moved here to be closer to only are seen on holidays and at family reunions in the summertime.

The only exception to my “confinement”, is I do go to the store usually on Friday to stretch the $40 or so I have for groceries, or to pay bills….I check the mail box hoping for something besides bills and junk mail…..And occasionally, my mother-in-law will need me to come over for something.  She likes to cook big meals and give most of it to us about twice a week.  Today it was a large pan of Lasagna.  And she has been cleaning out cabinets, closets and cupboards of things she either doesn’t need or use, and just thinks we could use more.  Last week she gave me 2 large baskets of body lotions, creams, body wash and  body sprays that she had received as gifts and never used… I had myself a “Spa” day trying out different things!

For now, I am trying to think positively about the future. I live day-to-day.  And I try to live by this: 


Hugs and love to all my wonderful, supportive friends!

In My Life

I was born in a much simpler time.  Mother’s stayed home and cared for their children and the home. Father’s worked to support the family. Children loved their parents no matter how many times they were sent to their room or how many chores they had to do before they could go outside.  When a bad grade in school mean you were restricted until you brought home your next report card with a better grade. When children played outside until dark and didn’t have to worry about strangers.  You knew everyone in your neighborhood.  When the worst thing you could do was get in a playground squabble with a friend and hope your parents didn’t find out.  The next day or even a few minutes later, you were best friends again. When sticks became guns, swords, bats, and horses…and you fought with your hands or with words. When everyone sat down for dinner at the same time around the table and you ate everything your mother put on your plate….even if you didn’t like it.

We didn’t have video games, I-Pods, computers or cell phones….We had Monopoly, Scrabble, transistor radios, record players, checkers, jump ropes, hula hoops and swing sets. If we were lucky, we could watch TV for 2 hours before bed, but on the weekends we were outside in the fresh air.

I don’t remember ever wondering about what my life would be like when I grew up and was the same age my parents were.  I guess I figured one day I would have the house with the fenced in yard, the swing set in the backyard, 2 children and a dog.. A husband who loved us all and worked hard to support his family…where “I love you” was said often and hugs and kisses were a plenty.

I wasn’t the kind of girl that boys flocked around.  I was a “plain Jane”. I doubt most of the boys I went to school with ever even noticed me. I went to a school dance or two, and a few when I was a “Job’s Daughter”.  I was the wall flower. I never had a boy friend until I was 17.  And he was the boy next door. He took me to my Junior Prom. And he became my first husband, and the father of my first 2 children.  I thought we were madly in love….well, I was anyway. 

I never dreamed that I would be a grandmother….but now I am….I have 7 wonderful grand children that I love, and I know at least 6 of them love me…I haven’t been allowed any contact with my oldest grand daughter in 8 years...and I have 1 grand-daughter that I will never know or meet.  Her mother gave her up for adoption when she was born because she had split up with my son.

I never dreamed that my only daughter would cut me out of her life, or keep me from speaking or seeing her children.  I never thought I would spend most of my days alone in my room with my memories….waiting for the weekend for a visit from anyone.  Hoping beyond hope that my grand children would come to see me, or call…or send me a text.  I never dreamed that Iwould barely have enough to live on….

That’s life I guess.  What is that old saying? “The More things change, the more they remain the same”?

My life has certainly changed over the years but one thing remains the same….I am still the same “Plain Jane” I was….still the “Wall Flower”….still waiting for the House with the fenced in yard, the hugs and Kisses and the children and grandchildren who come for weekly visits to say “I Love You’.

I do have 2 grandsons who visit and I am thankful for that.  I know that they appreciate me and love me.  I hear them say “I love you” and I feel their hugs…..but soon that may change…..They may be moving away and I will be alone again…

with memories…..

Hugs and Love to all my friends who encourage me and help me go on. 

Friday, March 25, 2011

I don’t want to think about it!!

There is a song that Frank Sinatra sang:

Blue, blue, my world is blue
Blue is my world now I'm without you
Gray, gray, my life is gray
Cold is my heart since you went away
Red, red, my eyes are red
Crying for you alone in my bed

It is running through my head now.  I don’t want to think about what I heard today…. “Out of the mouth of Babes”….

My grandson called me today to have me pick him up to spend the weekend with me.  My youngest son had the car, so I told my grandson, if he didn’t mind walking, I’d come get him.  It’s about 2 miles one way to his house from mine….no big deal, I have walked it both ways before. He had to do the dishes before he came over so as he started them, I grabbed the dog leash, snapped it on my Shih-Tzu (going ballistic now seeing his leash for the first time this spring!!) and off we go.

Now mind you, this dog weighs about 20 pounds if that. He’s not even a foot high standing on all fours. How does one little dog have enough of anything inside him to stop at every pole, bush, tree, fence post, building corner and stray smell he finds on a 2 mile trip to either squat or lift his leg is way beyond me! But he was patient and sat down at each corner waiting for the walk light…and he even stopped at a few mud puddles to take a taste of them, too!

We reach our destination about half a block from my daughter’s house where we find my middle grandson (12 years old) walking towards us.  Not 10 steps into our walk he hits me with this…. “I don’t know if Mom wants you to know this or not, but we may be moving to either Fort Walton Beach, Florida or Santa Rosa Beach, Florida at the end of this school year.”

My heart sank.

Tears welled up in my eyes as he proceeded with mild excitement to tell me that his mother has been putting in applications for hospital jobs in various states around the country.  The Hospital in Florida had called her back.

Don’t get me wrong, if she is moving there to get a better job with better pay and benefits, I am happy for her.  But it has been 289 days since she told me that she does not want me in her life; and stopped talking to me. (unless you count October 11 when she sent me text saying “Stay the Hell away from my Children!”)

I have had the pleasure of watching my grandchildren play football, wrestle, play soccer, run track and play basketball from the time they were born. I was with them when they took their first breath in this world, watched them roll over for the first time, crawl, take their first steps, hear their first words, go off to school for the first time, watched 1 graduate and join the army….I was there to cut his cord when he was born…Since October, have had to watch them from a distance and not talk to the 2 youngest…Until the middle son revolted and said he wanted to see me. The oldest grandson flat out told his mother he wanted me in his life and she wasn’t about to keep him from me.

It felt good when he came to me to have me sew his Airborne patch on his Beret. He didn’t have to hug me, or say he loved me for me to know it. But he did anyway.

So forgive me if I am wrong in thinking this is just another way for her to make sure I am completely cut off from my grandchildren. These 2 cities are 880 miles from my current home. Now if I can’t make it 583 miles to my hometown in Virginia to see my 87 year old mother, How am I ever going to make it to some place in Florida; and then maybe have to hope that one of my grandchildren will send me the address? I don’t have a job.  I can’t find one here.   can’t afford to move.  My car is falling apart and in need of an entire new exhaust system…and I have no way to pay for that….let alone gasoline to go that far at $3.60 a gallon in this state! (let  alone what it might cost the further south I get!)

How can I begin a summer without going to their football practices and games, taking photos of them and watching them grow? My grand-daughter will graduate in 2012….How can I not be there to witness that?

I can’t let the depression set in yet. I have to live day to day and try to not think about it….I have to keep from crying. 

I have to be able to spend what little time I may have with them as cheerful as possible. And hope that I will get one more season with them, one more sport, one more banquet.

This has happened once before, but at the time we were still on speaking terms. When she graduated from Surgical Tech school here, she applied for jobs all over the country. She had a favorable response from a hospital in our hometown in Virginia.  They told her to let them know when she moved down there, and she packed everyone up and left….The job fell through and never came about.  But she stayed there because she couldn’t afford to move back right away. I was able to visit them for the year they were gone.Then they returned here and we have been no more than the 2 miles apart since….until now.

My middle grandson assured me that if they did move away from me, he would write me everyday, text me, send me e-mails and call when he could….That he would make sure he could come spend time with me during the summer or vacations….and he’d send me lots of photos.

I can’t think about that now….Not without crying….

Hugs and Love to all reading….I need each of you now more than ever….You are my one light in this dark time. 




Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It’s me again, Margaret!

I hope you have taken your heart medication….

I know, I know. It’s been a long time but I have a good excuse….First off, my middle grandson revolted and now is coming over on Friday nights and leaving Sunday evenings. So between him and my 27 year old son, the computer is usually busy on the weekends. I enjoy having the grandson over again and await the day when the youngest can come too. We have a set thing we do.  He calls on Thursday with his “meal” menu for the weekend and I buy what he wants on Friday.  He likes my Tuna casserole, meatloaf and milk shakes.  This past weekend, I also made lasagna which he loved.  When he goes home, he takes a “doggie” bag of whatever is left to “tease” his brothers and sister with.  I sent home the remaining 2 portions this past weekend of the lasagna….Believe me when I say, there are NEVER any leftovers with him here!  He likes my cooking! And I buy the 5 quart buckets of ice cream….First weekend, it lasted 19 hours!!!  This past weekend, I bought 2 and I had one bowl left Monday!

And of course, It’s spring…finally although the weatherman is still talking snow!

The flowers have decided it’s okay to bloom now so I have been out taking pictures. 

Spring has sprung 2011 001 Spring has sprung 2011 002 Spring has sprung 2011 004

And I had to try to get some shots of the Super Moon!

 Spring has sprung 2011 015

Spring has sprung 2011 019 It took me awhile to find just the right setting for my camera to get the shots I wanted. I hardly ever try to take night portraits.

I have also been busy playing taxi, ambulance and nurse.  My mother in law has had cataract surgery on both eyes.  This required me to take her to the hospital in a nearby town twice for the surgeries, and 3 additional appoints in town here for each eye.  I would go over to her house every 4 hours for the first week to help her put the drops in her eyes.  Saturday morning, she called me around 3:30 a.m..  She was in pain.  She has had problems in the past with “Diverticulitis” and bowel blockages.  With her past history and just being released from her last eye surgery, I didn’t think she should chance it and took her to the Emergency room. She had vomited and had dry heaves (the worst!!!) so it sounded like she was having a reoccurrence.  Sure enough, after an x-ray and blood tests, they decided that’s exactly what she had and kept her in the hospital.  My sister in law came up for the weekend and another of her sons came Monday.  I went again on Tuesday and sat with her from 8 a.m until they finally released her at 4 p.m.  (Her doctor never makes rounds until 3 p.m.!!) She’s home now resting.

And then there is the weather….Thunderstorms and rain….which scare the living crap out of my Shih-Tzu!

Spring has sprung 2011 023 Dusty

And not to be left out….are my son’s 2 dogs!

Spring has sprung 2011 011  daisy

Spring has sprung 2011 024 cuda

As you can see white dogs all!!!! Rain and white dogs make muddy messes!

So I am still here….just staying busy.. I am still knitting up a storm.  I found a hat pattern I can follow and I love the way it turned out….so now I am making matching sets….More photos of that later!

Hugs and Love to all!!!


Friday, March 4, 2011

One Happy Grandma

Just a quick note to catch up on some wonderful news.

Last week I received an unexpected phone call.  My middle grandson called me and asked me to come get him.  He wanted to spend the weekend with me  He talked to his Mom and she said it was up to him,  This is one of the grandchildren I have not been allowed any contact with since October!  I did hear from him before Christmas when he texted to get my Tuna Casserole recipe. I asked him wanted to eat for dinner, and of course that’s what he wanted this time, too.

Last week of February 003  

He stayed from Friday evening until Sunday night.  We watched movies, talked, he played on the computer and showed me how to use his I-Pod touch, and I gave him an album of old family photos along with a brief genealogy page so he’d remember how the people fit in his family.  This week, he texted me and asked for Taco Salad for dinner.  My oldest grandson came over this week and he will be here for that, too.  His birthday is tomorrow. He will be 19. 

I’m happy as a lark!

But I’ haven’t given up my knitting.  A girlfriend from High school and I are doing a swap….she is buying a 50th anniversary school t-shirt for me, and I am knitting her a scarf in school colors.

More later!

Love to all who reads!