It's been moths since I have sat down and writtena blog, perhaps even a year or more. But tonight as I have spent hours looking for something that still alludes me, it seams appropriate that I put thought to paper....or web page as it may be.
As time goes by and my body and mind age, I'm reminded of the things in life I have done, and morn for the things I would like to have done. I always wanted that fairytale love, complete with the fairytale wedding and happily ever after ending. I wanted that love of my life. Someone who put me first in their life and wanted to do everything in their power to please me. I wanted my "Prince Charming" ...... Someone who would wrap me in his arms, kiss me like every breath depended on it, and hold me close so it felt as if we were one. I wanted long nights curled up together by the fire with my head on his chest listenng to his heart beat as if for only me. I wanted long walks, hand in hand along the water's, edge bare feet in the sand with the water gently flowing in and out as the sun was slowly setting. Or walking hand in hand down forest paths or through gardens overflowing with the smell of blooming flowers. I wanted romantic dinners, sharing popcorn in a dark movie theater, and dancing until dawn. I still dream of those things....but time has not given me what I yearn for.
I dream of walking down the aisle in a long flowing white wedding dress, arm in arm with my father, surrounded by friends and family.....of men in Tuxedos and women in long beautiful gowns with flowers in their hair and bouquets in their arms. I can hear the words, see the love in his eyes and feel my heart racing as we commit ourselves one to another......The dinner, the dancing and the rose petals gently flowing around us as we leave.....Spending time together on a honeymoon to some distant destination.....but this was not my reality.
I wonder what it is like to have a home I can call my own....walls to paint whatever color I feel like at the time....a garden to plan and plant.....a yard where I can sit in the sun to read or watch children and animals frolic.
I want someone who will provide a stable home. A home where all the applainces are new and work properly. A garden bath tub, walk in closets, no clutter or cramped spaces, a washer, dryer and dishwasher.....and the money to decorate it any way I want. I just want some place I can call my own where I don't have to worry where I will live or how I will pay for new tires for my car. I want a car that isn't 15 years old.
I wish I could spend more time with my children, grandchildren and great-grand-daughter....whom I have only seen in photos....I want to travel whenever, and wherever my heart desired with someone who wanted to be with me by my side. I want to see places I have only seen in books, on TV or on the internet. I want to meet people I've only known on the computer. I want Love......
The older I get, the more I know these are just dreams of a fool, as they were never meant to be mine. Perhaps, this is the reason I spend so much time sleeping....because in my dreams, my life is so much different.