Sunday, December 30, 2012

Hoping for Change in 2013

It has been one long, disappointing year.

Many of you know that I have been hoping for things to get happier for me this year.  There are certain people in my life that I would like to spend more time with, but can’t.  For one thing, they live too far away..  I have tried to keep in touch with them through Facebook.  It has mainly been a one way proposition…. I have sent many texts.  I have held back from saying things that were really on my mind.  And, in the end, I have spent more time crying than any other one time in my life.

I started the year unemployed.  That changed in April when I took the chance and applied for a job with a company I have worked for in the past.  I have one major problem….my mouth. 

When I was much younger, and married to a different man, I never spoke up.  With everything he put me through, I decided when it ended for me to never be quiet again.  I would speak my mind and make no apologies.  Never again would I let anyone walk all over me; and just take it.  So in speaking my mind, I learned to stand up for myself.  There are certain things I will not let people do; I will never let anyone accuse me of doing something I didn’t do, accuse me of lying, or accuse me of stealing.  So in the past with this company, I stood up for myself and ended up quitting rather than let someone abuse me.

I was rather surprised when I was hired.  Now, 8 months later, I have become very comfortable with this new store and most of my fellow employees…My last store, I worked for 8 months and can honestly say I didn’t know as many people as I do in this store…  They are very friendly and easy to get along with.  Some of the people I knew at another store where I used to work.

Having a steady paycheck, I thought my life would be easier.  I thought wrong…  Things I had no problems with for the 3 years I was unemployed suddenly and steadily started breaking down.  I had 2 flat tires in one week.  My VHS/DVD player that I have never had any problem with quit working.  My son’s T.V. quit playing any sound….. I dropped my phone in the toilet…..My pride and joy, my camera, quit recognizing memory cards….7 family members died….

But the good thing was I at least have the money now to replace these things.  I bought a newer, upgraded camera and lenses on layaway.  I even bought a new laptop.  I replaced my son’s 4 year old computer that had recently been starting with “The Black Screen of Death”.  I was able to spend money on my grandkids for things they wanted.  I bought birthday and Christmas presents for my sons that I haven’t been able to buy for in recent years.

I was the “grandparent” for the football team my grandsons used to play for, and between that team and several other teams, I really felt like I was important to someone.  To them, I guess I am.  But it didn’t make up for the people I really miss….My Daughter and my grandchildren.

My daughter quit talking to me June of 2010.  There was a time when I wasn’t even allowed to talk to several of my grandchildren because of something someone else said in a text message to my phone, that I wasn’t even carrying at the time….But my grandchildren rebelled and I was able to spend 6 months enjoying the company of 1 grandson before their move out of state….

Since then, the contact between them has been very sparse…. Oh, they would text me on paydays if they wanted something, but that was the extent of the contact.  I have tried several times to send cards to my daughter trying to repair our relationship to no avail.  I pay for my grand-daughter’s cell phone, but she doesn’t call me….or even text me unless I text her first…I found out too late when she was graduating; and no one bothered to tell me when she almost committed suicide.

So important days for me have gone without any notice….Mother’s Day, Grandparents Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and my Birthday.  My oldest grandson (My daughter’s oldest) now lives in a different state from his mother….and he always sends me a text on special days…He doesn’t ask for anything on paydays…He always ends his texts with “I love you”….and he has called without me calling him first.  He was the first to wish me Merry Christmas, and Happy Birthday….

I haven’t been allowed photos of any of my daughter’s children except for the ones they would post on Facebook.  It became too hard to look at the photos of them that lined my walls, so I put them away. 

Today was my birthday….and I was hoping the year would end on a good note….Instead, I have decided to cut my losses and forget about the people who I care about because it has become painfully obvious that they don’t want me in their lives.

They have made me out to be the bad one because all I wanted was for them to say “Happy Birthday” or “I love you”.

It may not be “all about me” ….but I don’t deserve to be treated like this.

In a week, I’ll be going to college…..and working.

From now on, it will be “All About Me”……They will have to find someone else to pick on….someone else to pay for the things they want…..someone else the can yell at and cuss at….Because they are no longer on my Facebook…I deleted them.

And maybe one day, they will realize how much they have hurt me . 

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