I AM……

How do you define yourself?

I used to define myself as a married mother of 4 with 8 grandchildren….

Now, I am unsure of how I want to describe myself….Mother of 4 doesn’t seam right when only 2 children consider me their “Mom” anymore….The 2 oldest ones that I worked so hard to raise as a single mother for over 3 1/2 years of their early life don’t want anything to do with me….

Grandmother of 8 doesn’t sound right as the only contact I have with any of the 8 is an occasional posting on Facebook.  I have tried by texting or calling them. I send them cards, pictures and letters.  I pay the cell phone bill for my youngest grand-daughter….But my letters, texts, calls, etc. go unanswered or even acknowledged…..unless they need money. My contact is limited to checking their Facebook pages for recent photos, activities….anything to make me feel a part of their lives. My grand-daughter doesn’t even want me posting on her page.

Even the “married” part doesn’t seem right…After 31 years of marriage, I have nothing to show for it.  My “husband” barely acknowledges me.  On paydays he hands the money, or asks for a ride to the Flea market where he stays on the weekends…But no love, no kisses, no hugs….The last time we went anywhere together as a couple was when I demanded to go out to eat for my 25th wedding anniversary….and ended up paying for it myself…I don’t get presents, I don’t even have a set of wedding rings. I wear a ring I inherited from my Dad when he passed….It was his dad’s.

Now if I said I’m an unemployed, cook, housekeeper, pet care giver, taxi service who lives with 3 adult men…who although related never consider I need more….then that is more accurate. My middle son would do more if he could. He is my constant companion and seems to know when I need comforting, or cheering up.

I don’t even feel like a part of a family anymore.

I moved away from my parents and siblings because my husband and, at the time, my daughter wanted to be near his family. She wanted away from the drama in a quiet setting.  His father had just passed away and he wanted to be near his mother and siblings….But now that we are here, we are no more a part of their lives than we were when we lived near mine. At least when I lived near mine, they called every day and we spent time together.  His family gets together 3 times a year….Thanksgiving, Christmas and a summer family “reunion”…and every year, less family shows up.In almost 10 years, I am there as an outsider….to take pictures; but never be in any. The rest of the year, no one calls, or stops by….unless they want something from one of us….like me to take pictures so they don’t have to pay a real photographer.

Is it so wrong to want more?

No wonder I stay depressed and on the verge of tears most days….If it wasn’t for my 2 dogs, I’d probably never get out of bed…..