Thursday, July 28, 2011

When to Give up

How do you know when it is time to give up?

I did the best I could.  My daughter’s 35th birthday was yesterday, July 27th.  As usual, I was up past midnight the night before so at 1 a.m., I sent her a text on the cell phone number I had for her wishing her a “Happy Birthday”.  I added a note saying I hope everything was okay or something like that.  I don’t remember the exact words.  But on my “Facebook” page, I posted this message:

Happy¸¸¸.•*¨*•?? Birth-day ??•*¨*•.¸¸ To ??•*¨*•.¸¸ You ??•*¨*•.¸¸... .??•*¨*•.¸
Happy¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•?? Birth-day ??•*¨*•.¸ To ¸¸¸.•*¨*•?? You ??•*¨*•.¸¸
Happy ??•*¨*•.¸¸ Birth-day ??•*¨*•.¸¸....??•*¨¨*•.¸Dear Angela ??•*¨*•.¸¸
Happy¸¸¸.•*¨*•?? Birth-day??•*¨*•.¸¸To ??•*¨*...You

To my Beautiful daughter on her 35th birthday. I hope all your dreams come true. (and I hope one of your children sees this and shows it to you)

I also posted the same message on my middle grandson’s page and asked him to make sure he showed it to her. He had texted me on Sunday or Monday and said “My momma’s birthday is sooooooon”.  I told him I knew and he asked me to send her a text.  I told him she didn’t want me in her life and probably blocked my number anyway.  After all, she has blocked me from her Facebook, Myspace and e-mail addresses. He insisted I at least try and I had planned on it anyway. 

Later in the day on the 27th, I was on my Facebook and he was sending me more messages….”Text my Mom”.  I told him I had at 1 a.m. and he went to get her phone to check.  If she got it, she had deleted it.  So I texted the message again and he said it went through and he’d make sure she saw it. 

That’s the last I heard…..

No response from either my daughter or my grandson as to what she said about it.

Later on Facebook, I posted that at least I had tried. It makes me sad that at least I am trying, and my efforts go un-noticed. One of her friends whom I know and is also on my page said “She still loves you she just has a different way of showing it” .  Funny, I don’t feel loved.

Not one word from her on Christmas, my birthday or Mother’s Day….Still blocked out of her life….the only daughter I’ll ever have.  My sons will never marry.  Two of them still live at home and neither even dates! My oldest son moved half way across the United States away from me…He doesn’t call or text.  And neither do his 3 children.  I haven’t seen his 2 boys in over 3 years.  Like his sister, no word on Christmas, my Birthday or Mother’s Day.

I called my Mom to talk to her today.  My phone never rings and the only messages are responses from Facebook posts.  I learned that my daughter plans on visiting her father in Florida.  For years, I tried to get my children to talk to their father.  He never supported them; wasn’t even around when my daughter was born, and does not remember any of his 2 children’s birthdays or 7 grandchildren’s birthdays…..But I always thought it was important for them to know him.  I have always known where he lives, I remember his birthday, our anniversary and even his Social Security number from when he was in the Air Force. My son was only 19 months old when we separated, my daughter was not even born yet.  

They finally all got together when my ex-father-in-law passed away years ago.  My son travelled there with his 2 sons, and my daughter went their with her oldest son.  My ex explained that he could not change what was in the past but the separation and divorce was his fault.  My son moved close to him and got to know him and his new family well.  But it hurt me when my son referred to his new wife as “Mom”….and didn’t acknowledge me as “Mom”.

Now it’s my daughter’s turn to hurt me more…She lives about 400 miles from them now and she will visit them and start calling Mary “Mom”….and once again I will have to endure the pain.  I was the one there for everything; and yet, I hear from my children’s friends how “bad” a parent I was.

I was so bad, I was there every birthday, every Christmas, every holiday.  I was the one changing diapers and kissing “Boo Boos”, through measles, mumps, chicken pox and hospital stays.  I was there for every grandchild’s birth (except 2 would wait until I had to go to work to come out!).  I was there for Scouts and Sports.  And they always had a place to “come home” to if they were down on their luck….children and all.  I was the one taking the pictures, when they needed a ride, or a few dollars, taking grand children to sports and school, babysitting while they worked, or went to school, or went out with friends….But I am the bad parent.

So when is it time to give up?  To try to push them from my mind and my heart?  To stop crying when I think of them and their children whom I love more than life itself?? When do I stop hoping they will love me again?….

I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I know I can’t go on like this.  I know I can’t keep hoping….Somehow, I have to find a way to go on with my life….without them.


Hugs and Love to all!!

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