Letting Go

We spend much of our lives letting go without thinking much about it.

As a baby, our first experience of “letting go” is letting go of the furniture to take our first steps. Our parents watch with baited breath as we stand there without holding on waiting for us to take those first un-assisted steps.  Little do we know, and as parents we hate to admit, we are also letting go.  Those first few steps are our new independence, and our parents first steps of letting us go.  Of course, there will be stumbles and falls, “boo-boos” that will need kissing, bumps, bruises and sore bums.  Before we know it, we are off on our own running.

Our next experience of letting go will be the first day of school.  No longer will we have long days of play, naps when we get tired and unlimited time with parents or grandparents. Our parents will walk us to the bus and watch as we get on and the doors close, trying to hold back the tears. Or maybe our parents went so far as to drive or walk us to school on the first day.  Then they will watch as we enter the school or our classroom for the first time standing there much longer after the doors close than is really necessary.  Some of us will cry and some of us run in with great expectations and excitement…Not knowing we have “let go” of yet one more phase of our lives.

There will be many more times as a child or a parent that we experience letting go; First school dance, First date, First time driving, First heart break, First job, First time going somewhere without our parents, ….Maybe to camp or on a school trip.  And we don’t think about letting go of the past….It just happens.

We graduate from school, maybe go off to college, get married, have children of our own….One more thing we have let go of.

And then we let go of friends and relatives….either by choice, by moving away, or by the death of someone we know or love.  And we let go again…Sometimes we cry, other times we laugh and celebrate.  Often times, we take pictures.  But we always have those memories.

I have a hard time with “Letting go”.  I don’t remember my first steps or the first day of school.  My first experience of “Letting go” that I remember is when I had to give up something I loved doing; going to a Christian Western Riding Ranch ever Saturday. I started going there after spending a summer vacation with my Aunt who owned horses.  She would put a horse in the barn by the house and showed me how to bridle and saddle it and let me go the whole time I was there.  I’d spend hours riding; so when a girl scout leader introduced me to this Ranch, I was very excited.  I started as a beginner and went through all the classes of thing I mostly already new. After 2 years, I was spending Friday nights in the bunk house feeding and caring for the horses and preparing them for the new riders on Saturday….But alas, as things go, I had to “Let go” as really my parents were really stretching their budget to allow me to attend.  After all, they had 5 other children.

Over the years, there were more “Letting Go” experiences….I had to let go of the pony we once owned when it was clear we had out grown him.  I had to let go of being on the Drill Team at school when I went to an alternative school for 6 weeks because I was pregnant with my first child.  I let go of my graduation day when it was apparent that because of being in the alternative school, I was short credits to graduate with my class; and I was moving out of state before graduation day anyway to live with my husband who was in the Air Force….I let go of my first marriage when it was clear I was the one holding on to hope that things would work out.

And over the years, I have had to let go of a lot of the mementos from all these things.  I miss them, but I do realize that I will always have the memories. I look back and wish I had a memory box. Something where I could have tucked away things I really would love to have now.  But hind sight is 20x20….and often times we don’t think of these things until it’s too late.  Now I take photographs.  Even if I can’t have the actual, physical things, I will always have the photos of them….You know, just in case, (God Forbid) someday I lose my memory and need something to refresh it.

This past 3 years has been very trying for me.  Because of a house fire, I had to let go of some cherished things that the fire consumed…a doll from my childhood, some treasured things from my past, and the house that I was renting and really loved…What was left was packed and stored, hoping some day to be brought out once again in a new home…But I have had to Let go of that dream, too.  I had to admit to myself that I will probably never have the home I dream of.  That all of my cherished things were just too many to put in the place we now live.  Some remain in storage; but this month I have “Let go” of things that meant something to me….the only new dining room set I have ever owned and paid for myself, the dishwasher, some tables, and some of my books. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but somehow, I feel like a part of me is missing.  Something I will never have again.

And if that wasn’t enough, I had to let go of my grandchildren….Oh I still know they are there and they are very much still a part of me; but no longer will I have the time with them that I have enjoyed for the past 19 years.

There will be many more things to Let go of….I’m just not looking forward to what comes next.  I still hope that one day soon, everything will turn around for me and “the sun will come out” on what seems like a cloudy day. For now, I will take each day as it comes and try to find something positive in the little achievements.

Hugs and Love to all!