Sunday, June 19, 2011

Just go to bed

Years ago, when my middle son was learning to read, we bought ALOT of books.  This was one of them.  We would go to the store twice a month on paydays and stop by the book section to buy him 1 or 2 books to read.  Usually he had them read before we even reached the cashier.  But I didn’t mind.  I still have those books packed away somewhere. My Grandchildren even pulled them out to read.
I have really been missing the grandchildren the past few days.  I guess it’s because I would look forward to Fridays to shop for them…then time to pick them up and then look forward to spending the weekends with them….I would look forward to the summer when they would spend sometimes weeks with me.  And I looked forward to football season to watch them practice and play their games.
Now I look forward to getting an e-mail.  Perhaps a message on Facebook…or a text once my phones are turned back on. 
I realize it’s summer, and they live near the beach, and have things to do like get used to a new home, a new town, a new school and new friends to make.  But I feel left out somehow. Is that wrong of me??
Every day I have to drag myself out of bed.  I go through the motions of everyday life; let the dogs out, feed and water them, go to the bathroom, turn on the computer, make a pot of coffee and wash any dishes in the sink.  The men in my house seem to delight in seeing just how far they can fill the sink up after I have already gone upstairs to bed.
Days like these don’t help my mood any.  In the Words of a favorite “Winnie the Pooh Song”;
A Rather Blustery Day
Oh the wind is lashing lusterly
And the trees are thrashing thrusterly
And the leaves are rustling gusterly
So it's rather safe to say
That it seems that it may turn out to be
It feels that it will undoubteadly
Looks like a rather blustery day today
What did I do before grandchildren?   Before children???  What did I look forward to??  How did I occupy my mind and my time?
That seems like forever ago.. After all, for 20 years, I have been shopping for and pampering Grandchildren.  And for 17 years before that, for my own children…Have I really been  a mother for 37 years??  Where did the time go?
So it’s no wonder, right now I feel like “Winnie the Pooh”; with the temperament of my favorite character, Eeyore.
Little Black Rain Cloud
I'm just a little black rain cloud
Hovering under the honey tree
I'm only a little black rain cloud
Pay no attention to little me
Ev'ryone knows that a rain cloud
Never eats honey, no, not a nip
I'm just floating around over the ground
Wondering where I will drip
I need to find my niche in life. It’s obvious that now I need a reason to get out of bed….besides the mundane every day housework.  I need to find a reason to bound down the stairs with some semblance of energy and happiness.  I have tried endlessly to find a job, some sort of work for pay to keep me busy; but no where is there a place that wants a 50+ woman with more skills than a teenager. I’m “Over qualified”.
If the rain would quit outside, and the sadness inside would dry up; maybe I could remember what used to make me happy before children and I could go on with my daily life somewhat happy.
I knit, I play on the computer, I watch TV, I garden….But at the end of it all, I’m alone and sad.  I wish I could crawl right into the photos I cherish and hug my grandchildren…..and never let them go.

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