I had the hardest time getting out of bed today.
The dogs woke me up to go out as usual, but I just went down, let them out and went back to bed. I pulled the sheet up over my head and went back to sleep. The sink is full of dishes again but I don’t even care.
Last night I turned the news off and lay down to try to sleep; but too many things were keeping me awake. I really miss the grandkids. I don’t hear from them with my phones off. They don’t post anything to me on Facebook, or send me any e-mails. Once in awhile I will see where they add a picture or comment to a friend. It’s as if I don’t exist anymore to them; and that makes me sad.
It’s noon before I finally drag myself out of bed and go down to the computer. I haven’t even made a cup of coffee yet. Food doesn’t interest me. I check the mail box but I know even before I open it that there is nothing inside for me… My brother is visiting my Mom, so she won’t write until after he goes back home. And no one else writes to me. The check I have been hoping for never comes. I don’t even get something saying that I will get any of the settlement, and that’s discouraging. The extra money would come in handy to catch up bills and maybe even buy me a sewing machine to start work on a quilt I want to make.
Last night I was thinking about the July 4th parade and celebration coming up….and for the first time in 9 years, I have no one to go with. So I may not even go to that.
Nothing seems to make me happy anymore.
Football sign-ups have begun, and the conditioning will be the end of July. The first practices will be August 1st. But that all seems so far away now….and even now I am not sure if I want to go to those…It would give me something to do, but at the same time, it would make me sad. I’d see all the kids and their families, and not have any of my own there to cheer on. I know I would be welcome, but it would be hard to think of what I am missing.
I have tried to be up-beat, but it only lasts for so long. I have tried knitting, but it only keeps me busy for a few minutes before it no longer interests me.
Every night, I try to write something in my notebook by the bed….the beginnings of a new blog….my thoughts or feelings….and even that is getting harder to do.
And I read of all my friends and the things they are doing with children, grandchildren, friends and work…..Yet, I sit in my room watching rain fall or fighting to stay sane. I just want to go back to sleep and dream….